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When do you call it quits?

Tamsin wrote:

I've been married almost 25 years. Early on, I thought he was perfect. After a few years, I discovered he was keeping things from me. No big deal, so he chews tobacco ... but as the years went by more and more things became apparent.

I hung on because of his really good attributes...but now I'm finding that these qualities are fading. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe I should take stock of my own imperfections before judging his.

But I married him because I was 18 and pregnant without first born. I respected and trusted him then. I'm not sure if I ever loved him. But I believe in God and I had dedication to the family I was responsible to care for. My children are grown and have kids of their own. I've grown as well. I'm more confident, more intelligent, i'm a professional making my own way in life.

He has gained 200 pounds, has a vicious child-like temper, is impatient with conversation that isn't even mildly interesting to him, and gets angry when I Spend money that wasn't discussed ... even though we can easily afford it and I'm the one earning it.
He sends porn and disrespectful nasty jokes to his buddies,

Dear Tamsin

I suspect he is not quite as bad as you suggest ... and / or you aren't quite perfect yourself. Otherwise, I think you'd have left him some time ago.

However, it's obvious that there are deep-seated issues which may well have been unsaid for far too long.

There's many interpretations of Christianity, but few versions teach that a woman should simply put up with a many, however awful he is; for a start, the atmosphere that creates at home is very hard on the kids.

Dedication to the family never meant setting an example of servitude and humiliation; marriage, if it means anything, has to be a partnership where such problems are faced together, not brushed under the carpet for 25 years.

But we are where we are; he deserves the chance to discuss these issues, at least ... his response will make it quite clear what your next step should be.

Good Luck!

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