I fell in love with my best friend

Kathleen wrote:

I remember it clearly. More than two years ago, I slowly fell in love with my best friend. I questioned myself over the past two years: "Is this love? Is this just a crush? Shouldn't I move on?" I never understood why I had to feel like this. It all began with a sleepover and me nearly confessing my odd strange feelings for her. She did not understand at first, almost half asleep, but then she understood. I liked her. I loved her. We were young, and when I say young, I really mean young. Too young to even realize what love is. We were twelve. Young, right?

[To fill you in, she moved out of the state a little bit after the sleepover. That is when she sent that letter, "confessing" that she liked me back]

It was too soon for me to get confused with my sexuality. It was too soon for me to fall or crush for someone. There are days when I regret my decision to keep loving her, and then there are days when I absolutely despise what happened. Over last year, I constantly wondered what she thought of me. Did she still like me? Is she over me? Does she still think of me, like I do? Does she have a boyfriend or maybe even a GIRLfriend?

There were times when my feelings piled up so high, that they had to be left out and I either emailed her//instant messaged her//or wrote letters. Last year, it was in October. It was a late cold winter night. I was home alone, instant messaging her, almost tired out of my mind. We were just talking when I mentioned the letters and my feelings.

She told me she had moved on, and I should do that very soon before I go crazy. She told me that I will find someone and that it can be over. I replied back saying, okay fine then, I'll move on. She just had to say that SHE could not do so. How could she have said that right after that? It made me confused and I am sure it made her confused also. I did not understand her yet I was the only person who she actually opened up to.

Fast forward to a week ago.

It happened again and I opened up all over again. She said she liked some [of the male gender also] while I was still "obsessing" over her entire everybody. It hurt like a son of a bitch. And it bit my hand and bled. It is not awkward for her, I don't think. But it feel so weird to talk to her when I feel my feelings for her at every second of our conversations. She repeated her self, telling me that I will find someone else. But how can I do that when I've already fallen so hard and far since those two years ago? I've even fallen out of this, falling for someone else. Yet I ALWAYS find a way to fall back for her.

I'm alone in this. I cannot talk to my other friends or even my family. They are not the type to understand that their friend//daughter//sister is going through a mental breakdown. Yes, I said mental breakdown. Since her rejection, I have had several breakdowns, i.e, crying for no complete reason, feeling down all of a sudden, and giving attitude to a person who I was just happily talking to. I've even purposely hurt myself because of her and some family problems.

I've never asked anyone this.

Is there any chance for her to feel something again for me?

Should I just move on already?

Am I just a complete obsessive idiot?

PS Excuse all of the spelling//grammar mistakes. It's 1 30 in the morning, and I should be sleeping or either crying myself to sleep

Dear Kathleen

It's not love. Love takes two.

It may be that you are simply lonely, and so your crush has become an obsession; it may be that you have a problem with relationships, and you are using this fictional one as an excuse to avoid any real commitment to a real person. It may be something else. But it is not love.

She isn't even much of a friend, and unless she's tried hard to get you to move on, and you've chosen to ignore that.

Two years is a long time, especially at your age, when there are plenty of real people to have real relationships with.

You are wasting your life, and that's a shame. Move on; and if you cannot move on, then seek help - you have a problem.