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The Impossible Dream

Carmel wrote:

I am one year out of my marriage but not divorced. We have little contact. I met a man on an online dating service, who told me he was looking for someone to settle down with but he has been divorced for seven years. It went well at first but after a few months he broke it off and said something like he didn't see us progressing.

About a week later after keeping contact he asked if I was going to go to a place where he and his friend meet every Tuesday after basketball. I made up a lie and said I was coming but was at a local restaurant and would leave from there. When I got there the guys were asking me who I was with including Sam, and he was clearly jealous but stable about it. After about 15 minutes of this he asked me to go to four events with him and it was back on. He looked me in the eyes and said he did what he did because he wasn't sure what I wanted. I didn't believe it but I let it go.

Now after another few months he does the same thing saying there is no emotional chemistry but stays in contact (turns out he met with someone else from Match and tried that but it didn't work) He then had a trip with his boss to Vegas and brought up me meeting them out there. I did it and used miles and he seemed happy I was there. That night was wonderful but the next day was strange he was more distant and he stayed away from me sexually that night which I thought was odd. Mind you after these two breakups I was upset but not to the point I am now.

When we got back home he finally called me on a Weds and then we made plans to meet at his house and then go out. When I got there he said he needed t tell me something and looked very serious. I figured he was going to tell mw to hit the bricks again so I said just tell me. He tells me he has herpes and just found out the results of his test and that i need to get tested. He discovered the abrasion the next morning after we had sex. He then tells me he understands if I leave and hate him but I could only think of how vunerable he seemed and how he needed me to accept him. I hugged him which he was surprised at and we had emotional chemistry. We sat down and he was brutally honest telling me he had sex the night before I came to vegas with a girl he met there but used a condom. Then he sees this thing on him after being with me and becomes distant.

After me reassuring him that I was not angry and would get tested he asked me if I would be willing to be in a committed relationship with him. I was overjoyed and knew then I was in love with him. That night he cried in my arms and I fell deeper. Here we are four months later and I'm no angel. I have tested this relationship with asking him how he feels about me (no answer) probably felt pressured. I accused him of not calling me in a timely manner but I think I felt him separating from me again and it scared me. I broke it off he asked if I was sure I said if you respect me and treat as a friend instead of the enemy I still want this.

He then went on a trip with his kids without me and when he got back told me he thought about things and that he doesn't think he makes me happy because I don't make him feel what another woman he has known for three years makes him feel. She gives him some sort of feeling I can't. He has never dated her and she is with a friend of his. She calls him from time to time and if she leaves him a text he keeps it. I saw this on his phone. I guess what I need help with is how do I get him back, I am so in love it hurts beyond words. I have known his friends and their wives for 10 months and I'm losing them also.

I tested positive and I feel like he has just left me out to fend for myself. I was there for him but I can't ask him to be there for me even though I want to. He has said he wants me to be happy and has even said to bring any man i might meet to his shows (he's in a band).

How does he go from being jealous of men (I had a Myspace page) he was angry with me for that and I kept it. I got rid of it now that it's too late. He still calls me and I have been to his house and yes I have had sex with him but he doesn't feel love for me. I have cut ties with him and am hoping he will miss me. One thing I will add is that when he sees me in person feelings return and he has changed his mind twice before merely by seeing me. I think that maybe if I stay away long enough and then he sees me he may want to try again.

He is looking for this feeling that the Other Woman gave him. What is it about her that I don't have? I wish I knew. He said he knew in five minutes he wanted her. She chose his friend but still calls him when things are bad, then disappears for months. I cry constantly and can't focus. I'm 46. He was the first man I thought was attractive even at 45. We are not kids. He has two teens he is raising. I care about his kids too! How can I possibly get this man back in my life. I know my mistakes, that is covered. What I need is the secret to owning his heart. Please help

Dear Carmel

A long and detailed account of a one sided relationship. So far as I can tell, he never ever really cared about you, he used you pretty much from the beginning, and was never loyal or faithful to you. Just because he wanted you for himself, rather than sharing you with other men, doesn't mean he was committed to you - you provide ample evidence that he was NOT committed to you in any way, at any time.

Just reread your note, as if it was written by someone else - there's a woman who is desperate to find a new man, and is prepared to 'not see' the huge problems with the relationship.

You don't need any man, and you certainly don't need this one. Take time to be yourself, and keep men at a distance for a while. And drop this selfish idiot now.

Walk away; In six months, he'll be just a bad memory.

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