Have I Lost Him?

Bella wrote:

Hey there, my name is Ana and I am 20 years old. I am from Romania, but living in Italy since 2001.

I met this guy on the internet to be honest. He is Romanian too, from my city, and he's 25. We first liked each other a lot, sow e decided to meet when I would have got to Romania for a short vacation. I met him, but decided to get another boyfriend, so he got upset, and we didn't talk anymore for almost one year. Then after I left my boyfriend, he came to me, still in the same chat room, flirting, although he kept denying it. It was just a game at the beginning, I was just 16 years old back then and I was really a kiddo.

After some months I went to Romania and met him. We stayed friends for 2 weeks, but then one night when he brought me back home, he kissed me. I thought I was dreaming, so he kissed me again to show me it was real. In the next few weeks though, he gradually told people we were together, because from the beginning he said he didn't really want to officially be with me, because of the distance. Also, it was 2 years since he broke up with his ex, with whom he's been for 3 years. He was in a sort of abstinence period, as he told me, and that is another reason why he didn't want to meet any girl, but he accepted to meet me, and I will never understand why.

He is a very good person, and a very intelligent man. Protective and nice with all the people. We were together for three years, since then, and I must admit, I haven't changed too much. I am still a spoiled brat and he never liked that too much, for he is a sort of "thinker".

After six months he came to Italy and visited me, but when he left, something happened, I will never know what exactly.. I think he found out something from my past.. And he decided he needed space. I am a very obsessed girl, therefore I didn't give him what he asked, so he decided to leave me. I cried a lot, but my parents told me to send him a mail and tell him that I was ok with it. So this is what I have done,a nd the next day he got back to me telling me he can't leave me alone in this world, because I need him. So he told me that the next summer we would have decided whether we remained together or not. So I went to Romania that summer and he decided he still wanted to be with me.

That year has been the most nice year I have ever had.. We were always laughing together and he was spoiling me too. He taught me a lot of things and I was understanding him.

But eventually I was very jealous, so we started to argue. We sort of broke up a few times, but only for a few days each time. My jealousy didn't end though.

This summer before I went to Romania we argued again and he told me that he will not be with me for one year. Next year I will get back to Romania and leave Italy forever, so we were thinking of moving together. I didn't want to accept this one-year breakup, so I insisted that we should be together, and he sort of accepted in the end. But I was still very jealous, so after I left Romania he told me it was over, not for one year, but forever.

He told me to stay friends. He also told me that he cheated on me, which I don't believe. He told me he is now seeing other girls, but I don't really believe this either, or even if it was true, I would not care, after what I have done to him. I deserve it, I know. I asked him to forgive me for three days, but still nothing. I suffer a lot and I lost weight. I also think I am going to go insane or get sick one of these days if he is not going to come back to me, but he doesn't seem to care. He says he loves me, but that I have done enough. I told him I am changing, that I have learned a lot these days, but he is afraid to accept me back.

So yesterday night I decided to stop talking to him. Eventually he will call me if he is worried. Do you think he will? Do you think he is breaking up with me only for this year, or this is a real breaking up? Will he come back to me? He is a very sensitive man, and when he loves someone, he devotes himself to that someone, as far as I have seen. He tried many many many times to teach me, but I didn't want to learn because I was stupid. Now I woke up. Do you think I still stand a chance next year when I get back to Romania and live near his house (we are neighbours)? Do you think if I change, he will see that and remember he loves me, or he will forget all about me in nine months?

I have told him I was gonna kill myself if he left me a lot of times and once I even tried to do that, but I don't want to do it anymore.

Dear Bella

Wow!

You have to accept that you are 'high maintenance' - to give just two of many possible examples, you admit to being very jealous - and yet you say you do not believe his confessions of infidelity (Right!).

And you have threatened suicide, trying to keep him by the nastiest possible blackmail.

I have no way of knowing if he'll come back to you - but he'd have to be insane, wouldn't he?

You'd do much better accepting that this relationship is in the past, and start sorting out your issues so that future relationships don't fail too.

These things don't go away. You need to get a grip on your life and seek help if you need it. I suspect you do.

The fact that you did have have good times before you let it all fall apart, shows that you can be attractive to men, you can hold your head high and have a good time.

Just learn not to throw it away.

Bella wrote back:

ey.. Uh.. I am happy now, thanks for the advise, but I wanted you to know how things really went:

He really cheated on me... And like after two weeks he came to me crying that I should forgive him, but I did now want him back, because I suddenly remembered all the bad things he did to me, like when he hit me and such ... So after like three months I met another guy and we are really happy together. And about jealousy and suicidal thoughts, I never want to have those anymore. I've been training myself how to control these states of mind, and I think I am partly cured.

Again, thank you! :)

Dear Bella,

Sounds as you are well rid of him - and you've landed on your feet. If you have a good relationship, with a good man, jealousy is much easier to manage ... don't let him down, and don't let yourself down, and you'll be fine!

Thanks for writing back.