Taking a break to get divorced
year, I began seeing a married man who was in the early stages of getting divorced,
as I was. As these things sometimes go, we became very involved and ended up living
together for four months. However, during this time, neither one of us was moving
forward with our respective divorce issues, so we have decided to take a break
in order to finalize our divorces and have a little private space to grow in.
We are thinking six to eight months. We have agreed that we will talk sometimes
and date two or three times a month, we will be living about an hour apart, both
temporarily moving in with family members.
We are very compatible (the first
person I've ever lived with and had no joining of life issues) and love each other
very much, we have discussed the future in broad terms, have committed that we
want to be together and that this is the best way for us to do so. I have always
heard that someone should have some time after a divorce, even if they had been
separated for a long time. Both he and I had been emotionally separated from our
spouses (living in separate bedrooms and such) for several months before we moved
I would like to know if you think that this time off period
is a good idea and if, in your experience, it strengthens relationships. We have
decided to do this very recently, it was an entirely mutual decision, and I haven't
heard from him since (about a week). I am concerned that going from being so intimate
to being apart may have a severe negative impact on both of us, and that we may
not be able to bring it back together.
of evidence to show that many relationships after a major emotional trauma are
more about support and survival than true love - that's not to say that folk are
dishonest; far from it, it's just that they want a successful relationship so
badly, that it's easy to convince themselvesthat any relationship is a
That sounds harsh, and it is - but it's often true. But not always.
relationship is unique, as are they all, and you are both 'in the same boat'.
That doesn't make you immune, but it does mean that you have a good chance of
at least understanding each other.
In general, taking it slow has to be a good
idea - so long as it's what you both want. There's no such thing as an 'entirely
mutual decision' - whose idea was it?
It certainly won't work if you are getting
separation anxiety. Is he not calling because he has better things to do, or not
calling because he he thinks that's what you want?
The best way to make it work,
is to agree who will call who, and when - but that shouldn't mean the other cannot
But the point that matters is that if this 'agreed separation' is falling
apart so quickly (I said IF!), then clearly the relationship was not meant to
Call him, agree some 'house rules' - with flexibility - and see what happens.
sera , as they say, sera !
For the younger reader, "Whatever will
be, will be."