Married Bachelor Boy?
I have been married to
my highschool sweetheart for 15 years. We dated for 8 years prior to marriage
- more on than off. Our marriage has been good - no cheating, no abuse - we're
very close friends and prefer each other's company to pretty much anyone else's.
Sure, sex has become less frequent over the years.... but is still pretty good
when it happens, even if its not all that inventive or crazy in content. My husband
is an honest man, sort of shy, and fairly straight laced - he is a miserable liar.
he was included in a good friend's wedding as a groomsman. The bachelor party
involved about a dozen guys - a big steak dinner, and a night at a "gentleman's
club." My husband was nervous leading up to the event.... He said he'd never
been to a bar like that before (though I know he's seen strippers - rarely - at
other parties), and knew his buddies would try to embarrass him. I assured him
it was no big deal - just go have fun - be a guy.....
The day of the event,
he went shopping and bought a new outfit - pants, shirt - even underwear.... He
has never done this for any event that I am aware of in the entire span of our
23 year relationship. I'll admit I was a bit put off - but only joked about it.
morning after the event, I deliberately didn't bring it up - no questions, nothing.....
I really didn't want to be the overbearing wife. But he blurted a bunch of stuff
out - maybe out of nervousness? Maybe out of guilt?? I don't know. He said he
was uncomfortable - and that he was happy it was over. He said he found the whole
thing "weird." But he told me about the 3 lap dances his friends purchased
for him - and the pros and cons of the various "techniques" the dancers
used - and the details of their physiques - and which ones successfully aroused
him (two of three, I learned). That is when I told him that maybe he shouldn't
share all the nitty gritty with me.... Inside I felt sick to my stomach.
didn't expect I'd be bothered. I really thought it wouldn't be any big deal. I
was never a jealous person - he has never acted inclined to stray. Why is this
bothering me so much? Why can't I let it go? I want to avoid sex with him....
I don't want to think about sex at all. How can I compete with women half my age,
and 3 times my bra size?? How can I not think of him getting aroused by strangers
squirming in his lap? Maybe he'll be thinking of them when he's with boring old
me. I certainly can't perform the feats of flexibility, etc. that he described
I don't feel right sharing my feelings with him, since I gave
him the green light to go have fun. He can't undo it anyway. So far he seems pretty
clueless about how this has affected me - should I keep it that way?? The problem
is my low self esteem and my fear of inadequacy and aging.... I just need to get
over it, right? But how? Help.
I suspect you are being
a little tough on him.
Neither of you knew exactly what he would be faced with
that evening, and so you both made assumptions. You positively encouraged him
to go, and now you are annoyed that he 'entered into the spirit of the thing'
- while he was nervous about going, and your advice not to show himself up in
front of the others may have encouraged him to go further than he otherwise might.
is a common failing of women to expect men to 'know' what they expect - and a
common failing of men that they do not deliver on that.
You may have overreacted-
and he may have overreacted to your overreaction.
I'm not convinced that
any lasting damage has been done, and I suspect the whole thing is best put behind
you - one more of life's lessons!