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After six years, I'm in love with his best friend

Natasha wrote:

I was in search of some honest advice and I stumbled across your web-site and found it to be quite comforting. Right now I am going through a really hard situation - for which I take complete responsibility.

I have been with my boyfriend for six years and we have twins together. At the beginning of our relationship he was a liar- cheater- drug user- thief - you name it. He has grown up completely and now is a hard-working loving father.

But as for my feelings for him, I have always taken extreme pride in my honestly and faithfulness. He was my first kiss and so on. But now I feel drained and like it's too little to late - just when he's turned around and adores me.

Not to mention his best friend who I've always had a crush on but never dared to reveal - not even to my best friend. About a month ago I was visiting our home town where the best friend lives and my boy friend and I were going through a rough time - to put it shortly I ended up hanging out with his best friend for three nights in a row- never doing more than kissing.

I then decided I was going to leave my boyfriend and move back home - as morally concious of a person I am I felt that I would not have gone out of my way to have this happen with his friend had I not wanted to leave him.

But shortly after I returned to him and didnt speak to his friend at all. Now a month later things have not improved with the boyfriend and I am back in town visiting. It just so happened that over the weekend his best friend was in town from work so we hung out... and I slept with him.

After six years of being faithful and true I slept with his best friend. And I trully believe I have feelings for this guy. I've always been attracted to him physically and just his whole personality- he is a great guy. But then I think about it and what great guy would sleep with his best friends girlfriend/mother of his kids?!

So my question for you isn't if I should leave my boyfriend, because I know I couldn't live with myself to go back to him and know what I did - that and I'm just not in love with him anymore. My question is this - can it work between his best friend and I?

He has been there through all the shit my boyfriend has done. He was around when I was pregnant and all. I can't figure out if he was an ass-hole for sleeping with his best friends girlfriend or if he knew what all my boyfriend had done and wanted to be there for me and be what he isn't. Does that even make sense?!

I can tell he is scared to move forward with me b/c of my boyfreind and he has said aloud that he feels bad about what we are doing, and I agree. But does that mean we should stop? I feel like I should wait a awhile then maybe give him a shot later but you only live once and he just seems so right.

And I have one small question, when him and I hang out it's always alone at his house, never out anywhere - do you think this is because he is taking advantage of me in my position and wants to just - well you know - or is it because he's afraid of who will see us and my boyfriend finding out? I really hope you read this and respond. Thanks so much for your time!

Dear Natasha

Being a 'grown up and loving father' is too little, too late? You put up with the crap for years, and now it's his fault you've seduced his best friend? Or did he seduce you? Yes, he's been there through the shit, and he's still hanging around now.

Don't get me wrong; I do understand how the 'innocent' party in anabusive relationship can get 'relationship fatigue' just as things turn around for the 'once guilty' - but whatever you think of your husband, he HAS made that effort, he HAS turned around - and if you do leave him - which is your right - I suspect he deserves a little better than a kick in the face.

Only you can find a way through this swamp - and you'll only do it if you start being honest with yourself, and hopefully everyone else.

Try thinking about the two issues as separate. If you want to leave your husband, then do so - but think first about the twins, consider if there's anything that might make you stay - and if there is, think about counselling or whatever it takes. But you owe it to yourself, the children - and your husband - to sort all that out.

Then, and only then, think about more than sex with the 'friend'. If he's still around. If he isn't, at least you'll know. But your marriage is none of his business. And, at this moment, neither are your children. So sort that side of life out first.

The sex can wait.

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