Ex's Relationship is Doomed

Charlie wrote:

I'm a 52 year old man that has dated a 50 woman for the last four years. She has wanted to get married for the last three years and I've put it off - I wanted to marry her eventually and told her so - but we had 6 kids between us, separate school systems, but only 10 miles apart. My kids were older and are nearing the point of moving out. Her kids are younger. My "logical" thought process was to hold off until mine were out of the house, then marry and finish raising her family.

This past summer, we broke up for three months. I believe the main reason was that I had not "set a date." We each dated some, then reconciled. She said she was all done and firmly committed to us.

In November, she was asked to a musical concert by a doctor she worked with at her hospital. He only had one extra ticket. She said she might go if he could find another ticket for me. He could not. I told her he was interested in her, even though he was married. She pooh poohed that suggestion.

Well, in December, we all took a trip to Boston, spent time out together in the evening, and I even began to consider him a friend. I left town two days before they did. She and he went out to dinner, talked, and apparently began to "like" each other. My girlfried (now ex- girlfriend) and I spent Christmas together and talked, and she then told me she had "feelings" for this doctor, that he had moved out after a 29 year marriage, and was filing for divorce.

The weekend before New Year's we spent together, but Sunday morning before New Year's she began acting extremely strange. She said she was going out of town with her two youngest children, to the beach, to "think". My gut instinct is that the doctor has a place on the beach and he texted her the night before, she read it Sunday morning, and started planning and making excuses (lying) for not us spending New Year's eve together.

Long story short - I've been looking for statistics that show the success/failure for these kinds of relationships - separation, waiting for divorce to be final (it could be a year or longer since it wasn't filed until 1/9/08). I haven't seen actual statistics but someone quoted a 97% failure rate. Since then, we've had little contact and she's started dating the doc. I'm bitter, not sure I can regain trust even if she came to her senses, but I immediately responded that I would marry her today. And I would because I love her - I considered her my best friend, and now all I get is justifications for her. Regardless, I feel very betrayed by both, and am torn between trying to convince her logically, or sabotaging the relationship, or following my brothers advice, below. We have many friends that would not approve. Her managers would not approve, and conceivably it could hurt, or even cost her, her job.

My brother did give me some good advice - the same advice I gave him a few years ago - which was to put her in the rear view mirror and drive away fast. But still, if I could present her with some solid statistics, it might help her see that she's up against long odds and the new relationship is probably doomed.

Dear Charlie

Put her in the rear view mirror and drive away fast.

You are, of course, quite right that her relationship is probably doomed ... but so what? Even if it fell apart tomorrow, that wouldn't help you, specially with your 'I told you so' attitude.

Fact is, you had your chance and blew it - though I may be being a little harsh on you there: it may be that you were always in a no win situation.

But now, you are in no situation at all. It's over. She has someone else, for good or ill, and it's over. Move on and stop trying to convince yourself you can make relationships on logic and statistics. You can't. You know you can't. It's bullshit. It's over. Move on.