I Want To Be Her Girlfriend

Bernadette wrote:

I met Jean during a family trip this past March. We met while in line to be in a television show audience. We ended up chatting for hours while in line. Anyways … I was in town with my family just for the weekend, and she was living there for work for a few months. She ended up offering my family and I a ride to the airport the next day.

We had exchanged phone numbers and sent texts to each other asking ‘how are you?’ and whatnot (nothing much at all) over the course of the rest of the spring, and then the summer. More and more texts were exchanged, and in August, right after she broke up with her girlfriend, she invited me to her house for a pool party.

At the pool party, we all ended up drinking, and that night, Jean asked me to sleep in her bed. We ended up fooling around, but did not have sex. She initiated it all. We cuddled and sleep together in her bed. Over the course of the next few months, I began visiting nearly every other weekend. We began calling each other several times a day, and having very long phone conversations … sometimes going on as long as two or more hours.

One night, after fooling around, she asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. I told her no. She told me she wasn’t either and hadn’t been. In October, she invited me to her cousins’ big Halloween party. We went there together, slept in her cousins’ spare bed together (cuddled, no sex), and had a wonderful time in general. When she drives me to the airport, sometimes she puts her hand on my thigh or hold my hand. She never kisses me goodbye, just hugs. We still talk every single day, and when we aren’t on the phone with each other, we text a lot.

Now here is the PROBLEM. One day, I texted Jean and told her that I regretted not having kissed her when I said goodbye at the airport (thinking that she’d say something to the same effect back.) She responded by saying that I could have kissed her, but that she is NOT on the market for “something serious.” I responded telling her I really like her, or something like that.

In November, Jean invited me to an early Thanksgiving dinner at her family’s house (a week prior to the real Thanksgiving). I said yes, and in turn, invited her also to my family’s Thanksgiving. I ended up going with her, and I met her parents and sister and all that jazz. She turned down my invitation because she had to go to her grandparents for the real Thanksgiving.

One night we were fooling around and she said, “You realize I’m going to have to stop.” (Meaning she wasn’t going to have sex with me, just fool around only). I told her this is something we should talk about. I asked her what “serious” means to her, she said “no commitment” and “more recently, I guess, no sex.” (Her and I do fool around quite heavily, and make out, and all that kinda stuff, but never have actually had full-on sex with each other.)

I asked Jean the next day if she would prefer to just be friends (and I mentioned that we aren’t always very “friendly” with each other, meaning that we go above and beyond that…). She said that “friends is best” and that lots of times when people drink, they fool around. And that’s another time, every single time we have ever really fooled around, we have always have some amount of alcohol before that. We aren’t usually DRUNK, just have lower inhibitions.

Jean’s best friend / cousin who I’ve met and hung out with many times as well, told me that Jean adores me, but isn’t really ready for a relationship. And that I should “give her some time.”

Jean and I still talk EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE times a day. AND text like crazy. We call to tell each other anytime anything funny or big or serious happens in our lives. We plan trips together, and talk about what sorts of things we should do in the future, (example: camping, Europe trip, etc).

One time we had a conversation and she said that she does not want to sleep with multiple people, and she just wanted to make sure I knew that. She asked me if I was into that, and I said no.

She just claims that in the past she has “jumped into relationships” and is “opposed” to doing that again. She said she isn’t ready for one right now. She says that I’m “adorable.” She kisses me and holds me whenever I sleep over. She asks me big deep questions and shows a serious interest in my life and my dreams and goals, etc.

BUT I have heard her say many confusing and conflicting things. Once when she was drinking I heard her say, “IF I was single…” Yet another time, I overheard her say, “I’m not REALLY in a relationship.” And still another time she told me that a friend asked her if she had a girlfriend, and she said no.

I am SO CONFUSED. I thought after four months of visiting her, sleeping in her bed, meeting her family, talking to her several times daily, confiding in her, kissing her, fooling around with her, holding her while she slept, etc. we were girlfriends… But I guess I’m wrong? If she says “friends is best” should I tell her that when I visit again, I cannot sleep in her bed, nor make out or fool around with her, or anything like that? Should I ask her what “girlfriend” means to her? WHAT SHOULD I DO???

I am falling in love with her and I thought she felt the same, and she tells me four months into dating that she is not looking for anything serious. But I think that everything I have mentioned above is enough criteria to be considered her girlfriend, no? Except the sex part. But we DO fool around heavily, and nearly have sex all the time. To me, sex is extra. A relationship is more about the connection and the emotions. Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m SO confused and I would REALLY appreciate any advice you could provide.

Dear Bernadette

I don't know why you are confused. She doesn't want the the relationship you want, and no amount of word games will change that. She's told you on several occasions.

By all means discuss how much you care for each other - and what you want from each other, and what you are prepared to give.

But don't get sidetracked into the definition of 'girlfriend'.

And prepare to be disappointed. It ain't going to happen, is it?