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He Won't Marry Me

Caroline wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. I am almost 24, he is 28. We recently moved in together and are very much in love. We both have steady, good paying jobs that we enjoy. He talks about a future with me (buying a house, having kids, a wedding). We had even opened a joint account for paying bills and saving some $ for a house. He had mentioned dates of possible proposals....but they have all come and went. (HE mentioned the dates in MAY). He planned a beautiful vacation to California for us and I thought it could maybe happen there...but it didn't. I don't bug him or really ask about when or if its going to happen because I don't want to pressure him.

My dad (being the old fashioned Italian dad) asked him recently what his intentions are with me. He said he wants to marry me someday. HIS friends also asked him while we were moving "So are you going to propose to her, or what?" (ALL of his friends are married or engaged also). He told them yes.
He's already told me, that he's not going to have some big thing planned out...he said he is basically going to decide to do it one day and just wing it. (Which is fine - I don't need a big showy proposal...I just want to be able to spend the rest of my life with his wife, not live-in-girlfriend, who gets to play the role of wife).

He knew from the start that I really would have liked to be engaged before moving in together. I just don't understand why he is dragging his feet with this? Its not like he's waiting because he's planning some big thing (which is fine) or for a romantic moment...he's already missed a TON. He's not waiting to save $ for a ring (he already has plenty of that to spend on a ring (his words....not mine), and I DONT want an expensive one anyway - and he knows that).

I am just getting tired and frustrated with being disappointed about potential dates and events (THAT HE MENTIONED) that come and go with NO proposal.

For instance, he said he'd like to maybe do it at a baseball game (since I am a BIG fan). He took me to a game for our anniversary (although the game was several months after the anniversary)- the announcers at one point said..."Its proposal time.." and on the screen came a proposal (obviously NOT for me) - at which point my heart just sank. I don't want to wake up like 2 years from now and STILL not be engaged after living with him for that long (because I know the years can go by quck - I was in a six year relationship before this with no engagement either - in which I heard the "I'm going to propose to you" lines as well). Any insight?

Thank you.

Dear Caroline

So why did you move in with him?

Once you've finished playing mind games about this, then it'll be something else. If you are talking about 'when to propose', then you already know he wants to marry you, and he already knows you want to marry him. So Why do you need any kind of proposal? You aren't kids, stop messing about.

It's a WEDDING DATE that you need.

Tell him to grow up and make his mind up, you've waited long enough.

WARNING: There's a small risk that this will upset him, and he won't comply. But chances are he'll be so shocked that you are cutting through the cr*p, that he'll probably go along with it.

Just take the lead, diary in hand, and get on with it.

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