He Won't Marry Me

Bonita wrote:

I have been dating a man for 7 1/2 years, since I was 17 years old. A little over a year ago we bought a house together. I told him I wanted this step but he made the first move. We moved in and times have been troubled financially but better then ever between the two of us.

He went though a phase where he was all into marriage and he couldn't understand why I wanted to marry him (he always had sort of low confidence). We are not the most fortunate couples when it comes to money nor would we ask our parents to pay for a wedding so at once point we were talking about eloping.

Then things flip flop, where he said he could afford a ring (which he can't) and we couldn't afford anything. His mom despiratly wants us to tie the knot so I know she would help him with the ring part (not that I even need that, that is him).

I am not stupid and I know what these excuses mean, he's not ready ... but after 7 1/2 years, I don't know how much more "girlfriend" I can take. What do I do???

Dear Bonita

So why did you move in with him?

I'm not at all sure why you want to get married; you say things are better than ever ... why change things? It's not a silly question: you may have a perfectly good reason, but if so, you need to know what that reason is, you need to be sure.

Because if you want to challenge him (and you do), then you need to to be quite clear what the issue is.

You say you aren't the richest of folk - that's honest; and as you know, you don't need money to have a great relationship. So leave that to one side.

It really does not matter what your Mom thinks. It doesn't. She's your Mom, she'll love you whatever you decide, she just wants you to be happy. If she's pushing you, she's pushing you because she knows that's what YOU want. But the decision is between you and him. No one else, not his Mom or yours.

So talk to him. Tell him the money doesn't matter, and tell him what does. And why. And say that you want him to marry you.

But before you do all this, think very carefully; what will you do if he says no? maybe it depends on his reasons; but they may not make sense to you.

Are you really prepared to say 'wedding or nothing' or not?

Because if you cannot answer that question without hesitation, then you are not ready to make the threat.

Good Luck - but know where you are going before you start this.