Six years, and going nowhere

Isabel wrote:

I have been in a relationship for 6 years with this person and I love him deeply with all my heart. Overall we have a good relationship, communication is just a bit of an issue. I really love him and vice versa and I see him very well in my future. Don't get me wrong we have had our ups and downs like all couples but i'm starting to feel like there is no future.

After being together for two years we decided to move in together. Okay let me get to the point, the first few years of our relationship was good but i caught him talking to several other females. I forgave him and moved on, because I felt like okay what is a conversation. It always came to mind that maybe he did cheat but I never treated him funny nor held it against him.

After about the fourth year together the relationship went down, we never really went out, I didn't get the attention I got prior, I felt neglected. We sat down and talked about it and then about a week later he told me he wanted to marry me so we went and picked out rings. The rings were put in layaway, and he put about 75% of the total cost down. After about 8 months I hadn't recieved the ring so I started wondering, had he changed his mind. I know he had the money so that wasn't the issue, so I bought it to his attention. He stated, "Oh, I'm going to get it out." He then started to find reasons why he thought marriage wasn't the best thing for us. I started to feel like there was someone else. We were basically like roomates by this time, there was no relationship.

He ended up telling me that he cheated on me a few times in the past. It hurted me to my heart but I did respect his honesty.We both started going our seperate ways, doing our own thing (BIG MISTAKE.) I met someone else and I cheated, no I didn't get caught but I felt bad I was mad at myself because I only did it to try to get back at him. As time went on our relationship went up and down but neither one of us would let go. I still tried to work on our relationship. About six months ago he asked me had I ever cheated I lied and said no. My conscious started to get the best of me and I told him the truth.

Since then his attitude towards me has been up and down. Some days he treat me good and some days he treat me like he hates me. I have tried to prove to him that I love him and he's who I want to be with, but he seems to think else. I feel like he should be able to forgive me and move on like I forgave him. I think he should give me some credit for staying by his side through the heartaches I've faced. I'm not saying what I did should be forgotten but I think If he really loves me, he should find it in his heart to forgive me. It's not like he hadn't cheated on me, he did more than once. I just don't know what to do, should I let go and move on or should I stay with him and hope that he'll forgive me and move on. Please help me Anon

Dear Isabel

I suspect you are going to have to face the obvious; you two are going nowhere. While there's no doubt that he's cheated more than you dreamed of, and probably still is, that makes it much harder for him to forgive you.

You, who only cheated when you were effective;ly apart, and you, who were honest about it, are a constant reminder to him that he's a louse.

And that's what he cannot forgive.

But seriously, you say you want a future with him; but do you really want a future with aman who you know - that's know, not suspect - is going to keep on being unfaithful?

Is this the man you want to be the father of your kids?

The tragedy is that if he learns from his mistakes, the next girlfriend will get the honest man - but you never will; not that one, anyway.

If you really think of the future, think of one without him.