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Friend's husband is using our computer to cheat

Charles wrote:

My wife's best college friend and her husband moved across the country to be closer to us in early July. Pretty weird to start. No job prospects. Just sold their house and moved for no reason other than to be closer to us. They sold their computers before the move.

We opened our home to them and let them stay with us for several weeks while apartment/job hunting. While staying here they used my computer to supposedly job hunt etc. We also gave them keys to the house. They moved out but BOTH continued coming over CONSTANTLY to check email, job search etc. (Despite a public library with free internet down the street.) While annoying, if they called ahead of time we were accomodating.

I began to be suspicious when I came home early afternoon one day and saw his car in the driveway. He had no reason to be there, hadn't called for permission etc. He just let himself in. When I came in the door he fumbled around nervously and said "I'm changing my pants..." Complete BS. He was obviously masterbating in our house. In my chair. On my computer.

According to my wife, he is not allowed to look at porn at home. His wife thinks she "broke" him of the habit. So he is completely lying to start. My wife and I have a different understanding. While she doesn't LIKE me looking at porn, she accepts that I'm going to masterbate and doesn't want me skulking around in the shadows.

But having another male in my house masterbating on my computer is completely different. SO NOW IT GETS WEIRD.

I decide to install a key logger program on the computer to gather evidence to confront him. The program records all key strokes and takes periodic screen shots. My wife and I were going on vacation so he has NO REASON to come to the house and use the computer at all. (He also finally got a computer at home.) Big mistake. I got WAY MORE INFO than I ever wanted.

I have irrufutable evidence:

He looking at porn / masterbating at my house, in my chair, on my computer.
He is having graphic cyber-sex chats with several women simultanously.
He is apparently trying to arrange "dates" with women in town and out of town.
He is downloading massive amounts of porn onto a portable hard drive his wife knows nothing about.
He is coming over when his wife thinks he's at work.
He will sit for 6 hours at a stretch doing this crap.
We were gone for 1 week and found all this crap. Who knows what he was doing prior.

His wife would be completely devastated and probably seek divorce if she knew what was going on. My wife is completely freaked out. This is her best friend's husband! I don't like the guy very much but I tolerate him because of my wife. This cannot and will not continue.

I have a pretty good idea of what we're going to do but I would appreciate your advice. It is a very touchy situtation because we really shouldn't know this stuff when his wife doesn't. But is it really our responsibility to rat him out? I want to get out of the middle of their marriage ASAP. I wish I hadn't been curious but know I know.

Dear Charles

You don't need the evidence, specially if, as you say, you want to get out of the middle.

My approach would be to confront him one-to-one; tell him:

  1. You know what he's been doing
  2. You no longer want him in your house or on your computer
  3. You want your keys back. Now.
  4. You do not want to discuss it in detail, but if he wants to, then you want both wives present.

He'll take the hint. You'll change the locks. I'm serious.

I'd arrange with your wife that if his wife asks, she'll say "I think the men fell out over something"; you'll say "I'd rather not discuss it".

That way, she has to confront her husband, who is stupid enough to incriminate himself - and even if he doesn't, he soon will as he'll have no easy alternative to your facilities.

The only worry I'd have is that his wife is left too much in the dark; be guided by your wife. She'll know how much info she needs to leak to her friend to be sure the truth comes out.

But I'd not worry too much; this guy sounds so sublimely stupid that it really is just a question of time. And it's important to avoid humiliating his wife if at all possible.

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