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Obsessed With Dead Friendship

Phoebe wrote:

My cousin and I have been close ever since her father passed away when she was 9 and I was 11 ... so 11 years ... I always felt we were more like sisters then cousins. We spoke constantly, hung out together practically every weekend ... and then one summer I started getting annoyed. I had purchased my very own computer and when she would come over she would only want to go online and chat, she no longer wanted to go out or watch movies or anything ... and if for some reason the computer was occupied she would complain about how bored she was or she would want to drink( I never was a big drinker, I don't find it that much fun). So I gradually stopped inviting her over as much because I felt like I was being used and I also felt tired of having to explain to her why I don't feel like drinking.

That same summer I started my first serious relationship and she started saying that I was ignoring her for my bf ... which wasn't the case, of course we couldn't hang out as much as before but we still talked all the time. Then a few months after this happened she started partying hard core, all she talked about was drinking and getting high and she started doing things that shocked and worried me. I felt like my best friend had turned into a stranger. I ended up moving away for a job and things became strained between us ... we still talked but it wasn't the same ... she did most of the talking (about herself) and if I started telling her about stuff that was going on in my life she acted bored and uninterested or she would start talking to whoever was in the room with her. I was really hurt and anytime I would try and talk to her about how I felt she would blame my bf and say I changed and he is all I care about.

She ended up moving to the same town as me and we shared an apartment for 8 months ... it was horrible all she did was party and eventually stopped paying her bills on time and never helped around the place ... it ended up causing a lot of stress between my bf and I. My bf and I decided to buy our own place, I told her she could stay with us until she found her own place or if she wanted to keep the apartment I would switch it over to her name but she started acting completely snotty, telling me 'whatever' all the time and when I moved out we stopped talking completely.

Two weeks ago I finally emailed her, I told her everything I felt, I held nothing back, and she emailed me back and asked if I wanted to go for coffee. So we met up for coffee, I was so nervous, when we sat down she automatically started talking about herself, I sat through three hours of her talking about all the drugs she has tried and her new bf. I feel so confused, because I don't know if she wants to fix our relationship or just start where we left off. I am more apprehensive to say anything this time because I missed her so much during those eight months of not talking. I want us to be close again. My bf is upset because he feels like because of my desire for her friendship I have become a push over. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this situation any further.

Please help!


Massively confused!

Dear Phoebe

Read what you wrote. How can you be confused?

She's been using you for years, she doesn't respect you - heck, she doesn't even like you.

If you want to cling to a dead friendship, that's your choice. But stop trying to claim it's anything else.

Your bf has shown remarkable patience. Don't push him too far, or he might leave you to be a doormat on your own.

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