Cold Feet or Is Something Really Wrong?
been with my fiancée for three years but we have been engaged for two.
In the beginning it was a little shaky when we decided to tell our parents about
My family, who I thought was going to be absolutely angry,
responded in a less aggressive manner and I was very surprised. My fiancée
is 12 years older than me and since I am foreign and have only lived in the US
for 15 years it doesn't mean the old countries ways and traditions, beliefs and
values have gone away. My father in a calm manner told me I could be making a
mistake and I told him to give us time to show him that he is a great person.
Since then, my father has been terrific after getting to know my fiancée
and he actually treats him like his own.
My fiancée convinced me
that his family was loving an welcome, but in fact, we found out the exact opposite.
They had a problem with my age, told him he was just having a mid life crisis
(which is impossible to have being in his mid thirty's) and that the love I had
shown towards my fiancée was fake and that "nobody could" love
him that way. We were both shocked at their reaction and I was so angry about
their disrespect towards me. This didn't change how we felt about each other.
This guy is what I would call, the sweetest, caring and most kind hearted
person I know. It sounds great doesn't it? Well it's good at times, but his family
has tortured us to no end making him choose, in a passive manner, to either be
with me and conform to their ways or to go his separate way and in his fathers
words "you can have each other". I have tried very hard to make this
work between us, to explain to them the comments and behavior they portrait towards
us are unacceptable and we cannot live like that.
We are less than two
weeks from getting married and I am having more than cold feet. I am having frozen
feet. It is not his family that is deterring me, because we can deal with that,
even though right now he is not speaking to any one of his family members. It
is the fact that every night I lay down to sleep, and something deep down inside
tells me that this just doesn't feel right. There is something making me feel
like I am making a mistake of a lifetime. My parents love him, and they think
were great together, he is such a sweet guy to me, he is on my side and he is
very hard working. In fact, many of my friends and even my mom and sister said
that he is one of a kind.
If that is so, then why am I feeling this way?
I am being hard on myself about these feelings by telling my self that I am just
being stupid and that he is a prince so I should stop being so picky and just
go on with this. Another factor is my guilt of the wedding being paid for and
ready to go. We will be marrying alone on a beach because we felt that the situation
has caused us to enjoy our ceremony alone. My parents think its a great idea.
He loves me very much, but I am sensing that this hostility between us and his
family is making him have less love and respect for me even thought when I talk
to him calmly about it he says he is on my side and I have nothing to worry about.
I came to the conclusion that it may not be the family issues that are making
me have second thoughts.
After living with someone, you have an idea of
what they are like and from the things they say they are like you expect that
to be true. He is very impatient, becomes frustrated quickly (mostly about work,
driving, people, etc.), he is a clutter bug and he makes rash decisions without
thinking them through. I am the complete opposite of that and it has made me think,
"how am I going to live with this man?". We argue about his clutter
issue, I ask him to weed out the things he doesn't need, I ask him to take deep
breaths when he gets cut-off, I ask him to think out-side-the-box, and I even
ask him to put him self in my shoes. He is willing to do these things but often
he gets angry. These issues never came about until the past year. The more time
goes on, the more worried I get that I will just break down at the ceremony and
say no but I know that I love him.
I cannot change him but for some reason
I cannot accept him. I have fallen into depression about this, and I have even
gone to psychologists to seek help and medicine. None of this has helped me realize
what to do. I want a man who knows what he wants, who can stand up to people and
protect his wife (more than he already has), and I want a many who is willing
to learn discipline and start thinking logically and methodically. I thought he
was this man, and now the more time goes on the more I see he is not, but that
doesn't mean I should hate him. I love him but just because you love someone doesn't
mean their "the one".
Every time I bring this up, he starts getting
upset and I tell him that this is a learning experience and we can come out of
it knowing what we want and don't want in a man/woman. He cannot see this my way
because he only thinking about being hurt, I think about the future and often
I sit around and wonder where that "man" of my dreams is. This is truly
sad. If you have any sort of advice it would help because I have nobody else to
tell this to and I always feel like who ever I try to talk to is not seeing it
Thanks for giving such detail; with all
the pressure, it must be hard to make a decision about anything!
But on the
issue that counts, you know the answer, and I can quite understand why you need
others to give you support and courage ... you cannot marry him.
parental pressures, and everything else, there's the clear message that you simply
cannot face living with him for the rest of your life. You'll find it hard to
tell him - and it's harder, because you've survived so much together.
are facts; you are too honest to even try to convince yourself that he will change
- and you care for him too much to nag him for 50 years.