Reconcilation with abusive husband?
I have been
married for 16 years and have a beautiful seven year old daughter. My husband
is an alcoholic and has verbally and emotionally abused me the entire time. I
only recently recognized this as abuse. He drinks every day and when something
is bothering him he picks a fight with me and then goes into a rage - he has thrown
things and broken his hand punching a cupboard, though he has never laid a hand
He does nothing to help around the house, and during his rages he
demeans me, hurls insults about me and my family, and doesn't stop until I have
broken down in tears, at which point he is suddenly over it and doesn't understand
why I am upset. He tells me it is nothing personal and I am taking it the wrong
way. I have realized that I can be strong and am a much better and happier person
when I am not with him. I can make a good life for me and my daughter, and do
not want her to learn that these type of relationships are normal or acceptable.
thought of trying to reconcile just makes me ill. I have been in this relationship
for nearly half of my life, feeling like I have had everything take from me emotionally
and do not have another ounce to give. When I kicked him out, he immediately quit
drinking and is showing a real commitment to changing, but this doesn't make any
difference in how I feel. After all, he had 16 years to change. I have agreed
to counseling because I know we both need to understand why things were this way--
why he treated me like this and why I allowed it, and to get our daughter through
But I have no interest in reconciling and have made this clear to
him. He tells me he can't live withouth me and it's best for our daughter if we
try to reconcile. When I hear this, I feel like it is just another way to try
to control me and I d on't agree that it's best for our daughter.
is this - Am I wrong to close my mind off to any possibility of reconciliation?
Sadly, no - you are not wrong.
While he demonstrates remorse on
a regular basis, it means nothing as he just does it again. Everyone has their
limits, and you have reached yours.
It will be tough, he will not give up easily;
but so long as you never forget your daughter's needs, you will be strong.
not to close your mind to the possibility of friendship with him - once he truly
understands what has done - and is still doing - but I'd certainly not even think
about saying that to him.
He needs to learn what 'no' means, and he needs to
look into himself. He cannot do that so long as he can convince himself he's 'getting
away with it'. Only he can start the process of change; and until he's a way down
that road, just keep him at a distance. A considerable distance.