Marriage about to fall apart

Yvonne wrote:

My husband has been deployed for five months now. Before he left we discussed about me moving back to my parents home, to save money, and for me to finish up my degree. At the time, he agreed to this and was happy also.

My husband is jealous and angry all the time now. Everyday he argues with me over the phone. I am so down and depressed all the time, I cry all the time. I have even threatened to leave him. He apologized to me, but two days later it was the back to the same thing.

I told him that I needed to lose weight . I weigh 250 pounds, so I am in dire need to lose weight, he got angry accusing me that I was just trying impress somebody at school. So now he doesn't want me to go to school.

I am the one that has supported him throughout this whole time. I am to the point I don't want to talk to him anymore, but then I start to feel bad because he is away. It is all so frustrating, it has been five months of arguing and I don't know what to do anymore. In this type of situation, can men change for the better or do they keep their insecurities forever?

Dear Yvonne

Neither you nor I know how much stress he is under, so I guess for the moment that you will have to be strong for both of you.

That means that the crying and whining has to stop - that helps no-one, and you are an adult.

But while you need to be strong, you also need to protect yourself and your future (which may be his future too!). That means that you do not need to let him treat you like dirt, or let him bully you. That helps no-one now - and it develops bad habits for the future.

So you need some ground rules.

1. No crying.

2. No threats of leaving - see how you feel when you meet again - but threats hurt you both and destroy trust

3. Explain to him that if he's abusive, you will hang up the phone and not speak to him again for so long.

4. And do it.

5. Explain to him that whatever you say, he's going to find it hard to trust you so far away, and you are not going to lose school - which you'll both benefit from - when losing it won't make things any easier for him.

6. Hang up the phone if he's rude.

7. Explain to him that you are keeping the marriage going - and you need him to do that as well.

8. Hang up the phone if he's rude.

I do believe you must cut him some slack while he's away - but I do not believe you should be treated like a doormat - or act like one. Stop the tears!