Daughter Wasting Her Love

Sarah wrote:

My daughter has been in a relationship for three plus years at times she is happy at times not. They fight all the time about stupid things on his part - he is now 25 and she 22.

She is living at home, working and going to college. He is working and living at home also. His family Mom, Dad, brother, is well off, vacation for three weeks in colorado skiing yearly We live, My husband, I, one now married older sisterand two younger brothers, live paycheck to paycheck - three vacations in 30 years.

My daughter is a devout Christian wanting to live her life according to God's will. He "claims the same" but doesn't show the fruit of that except attending church. He is short tempered, critical at times to her, irrationally sensitive, thinks drinking and getting drunk is okay, keeps going back and forth on pot smoking or cigar or cigarett smoking. He has called her a bitch when she got tired of his whining Threw the remote at her hitting her in the stomach at close range bruising her because she was trying to stop his sexual advances. Slapped her because she slapped him, again trying to make him take no for an answer.

Finally three plus years into the relationship he asks her to marry him and a week and a half later he takes a girl home that he has been flirting with and she him and has sex with two times during the night. He tells my daughter because his brother threatens to tell, and says he is sorry, has no excuse, and that he fantisized of her.

Please help me convince my daughter that there are better men in the world that will respect and "Truly Love" her like she should be loved. I belive he misrepresented himself and gradually slipped things in on her as she fell in love with him. That he direspected her, he is weak willed and weak morally and that the relationship is not healthy.

--thankyou---a prayerfully concerned mom.

Dear Sarah

Not a very nice man, is he?

The problem is, it's not up to you, and as you've doubtless realised already, the more you work against him, the more loyal she is to him. She has to make her own mistakes in relationships, it's out of your control.

In fact, the harder you try, the harder it is for her, as she fears the 'I told you so' which will undoubtedly follow. So you are actually increasing her fear and isolation - not intentionally, but that's the effect.

He does not respect your daughter's choices, but you must. On the other hand, you do not have to like him.

What I'd suggest is you sit down with your family, and agree on some rules; for example, she's always welcome, any time; he is not welcome at all. You will keep in touch with her, but not lecture or bully her about her choices; but you will always let her know you love her, and you will always be there for her.

It's your plan, you sort out the details, but stick to it. the idea is to give her support, and give her a safe way out when she finally comes to realise she needs it. You are currently (I suspect) radiating hostility, and instilling a fear that without him, she has no-one. And that's wrong, isn't it?

And when she does come home, bite your tongue. no lectures, just love - remember the Prodigal Son. Not a perfect analogy, but not far off.