Torn Between Two Lovers?

Marnie wrote:

I have quite a mess on my hands. I was in a great two year relationship five years ago with a wonderful man. He was definitely the love of my life. We did everything together, supported each other, have very similar values in life. Problem was, I was only 22 and he was a little older (27) and wanted to get married to me and I was too immature to talk to him rationally about it and ask for more time, and instead I broke up with him.

He was completely wrecked, so he says, and called crying all the time for me take him back. I felt he was also pushing me away cause he was working more and more and I was a bum college student who didn't need a real job yet. Truth be known he was saving to buy an engagement ring. I was shocked. In a way it freaked me out, cause how could anyone seriously want me?

I was casually dating a guy, but it wasn't anything big. In any case, we went our separate ways, and only three months later I had realized my mistake and sucked up my pride and called him to ask him if he could ever forgive me and give me another chance to prove he could trust me, and does he still care for me? He had already moved on to a new girl! He was way too serious, way to fast ... to make a long story short, they have nothing in common, and it seems they are both using each other as a rebound.

That spring, he would come back and forth between us trying "make up his mind" and every time he'd make a go for me, he'd want her back and vice versa. We are complete opposites, she's needy and clingy and I'm independent and free spirited. I ended up getting pregnant with his child while on the pill and didn't know I was pregnant and had a miscarriage two months along. He was very upset by the news, especially since he was with her at the time it happened. I thought I had the flu, I felt sick and then woke up one morning bleeding. He was so cold and unsupportive of me, telling me well I guess you would have kept that baby and I would have had to pay for it....kinda crap. Never mind I thought he cared for me...ugh! It hurt so bad! But then he came back for 2 great months.

I felt all I had to do was prove to him I was serious about this now. In any case he left me for good in May 2004. Promised to be my friend and just never followed through. I was devastated. How can anyone move on so quickly from our beautiful relationship? I had been trying to win him over for months and every time I thought I was making head way he would change his mind and say he was afraid to commit to me cause I would just leave him again...so instead he'd leave and go back to the safety net girlfriend of his, who has such low self esteem , you feel sorry for her just from hearing her name.

Now that year, I moped around the house for 4 months and then suddenly thought I had something with a friend of mine, and just moved in with him that winter and he proposed and I accepted. Stupidly ... cause all I could see was my ex's face the moment he got down on one knee. I forced myself to tell myself I loved this other guy, but my heart was never in it. I'm evil, I know. I was desperately trying to get over him and move on to a new life. But this life wasn't for me, it was never right.

I heard through the grapevine that my ex had bought a house with the other girl in 2005, so I got married, and it feels like out of spite, to show him I could do it. I was never happy. My husband wasn't happy with me and we had rushed into everything. Now here it is 2007 and I am legally separated, my husband and I are on civil friendly terms. My brother worked with my ex this whole time and tells me a few months ago when I moved out of my house that said ex has wanted me back all along but was too chicken to talk to me...FOR THREE YEARS?!?!?!? I was completely baffled. Brother didn't want to be involved, but my entire family knew I was making a mistake with the other guy... I was shocked, cause it was never part of the plan.

I just had to get on my feet again and detox from all this crap. He calls me up, we had a great few nights of talking, cleared a lot of air, and found out we still really cared. He was miserable in his current relationship, and had to cut the ties, so to speak. With guess who, yep, the same social leech girl friend. He led me to believe that they were done and we ended up sleeping together and seeing each other a few nights a week. It was magic. He swore to me I was who he wanted to be with, but I held him at an arms length, being burned before.

His girlfriend finally moves out of the house and gets her own place an hour away from him, and realizes she wasn't happy in their relationship either. He told my own mother and countless others details about their crappy relationship and great ones about ours, but basically involved an entire neighborhood and circle of friends in our lives. I thought this was odd, but I think he was trying to get word to me in ANY way possible. It drove everyone CRAZY to see me so lost in life and knowing he wanted me back...Odd situation.

In any case, he was pressuring me to take things more seriously and claimed he didn't care if I wasn't separated or not yet, he wanted me to stay with him. I began staying a few nights at his house, and was there for a few weeks. Didn't move too much stuff, only clothes and bathroom stuff. He was great for a few weeks, but then he got very distant, and suddenly stated that he and the ex were remaining friends, and I couldn't ask him to ever not be friends with someone. (though I hadn't asked him not to see her ever) It wasn't fair to him. I was angry. How disrespectful is it to prioritize a friend over your relationship? He had to do work for her horse barn in order to seal a deal they had that she would sign the house over to his name only and in return he would complete this work for her.

He went and I was very uneasy about it, I just didn't feel it was a good situation. And sure enough, he came home that night and told me how tired he was and he had to put all this extra structure up for the new walls and went to sleep. The next day he told me he loved me and I went to work and he went to her stupid barn and finished the walls and that night he came home and told me he wasn't happy with us and that he still had feelings for her and he doesn't know what he wants in life! I was so disgusted it was making me sick to my stomach. I knew I should have just stayed friends with him all along and seen if he really did get rid of her.

Nothing adds up. He tells me he loves me, he never wants to lose me from his life. He needs time to himself to sort it out. Then I find out he's trying to get back with her. I was totally disgusted. I was fine being his friend, but I had fallen for him again when he was there for me. Now I was starting to see his true colors. Then ... oh it gets better...all the people he told about how miserable he was with her and knew the play by play of he and I getting back together, well people talk and it back to girlfriend about him cheating and wanting me back all along and he was settling for her, and my miscarriage, and that making love to her was like having sex with a dead animal. I'm not kidding that's just some of the stuff he said about her. In any case, she flipped out and he called me at work two weeks ago to scream at me about how done we are ... so he's blaming me for his cheating, his disrespect, and can't own up to it.

The real kick in the teeth is that he said, "well she said I can't be friends with you anyways so I'm not talking to you anymore. " I wish I had mafia connections for the both of them. I told him, fine, if you're so happy, why did you look so damn miserable the other night? He had come over to talk for about an hour after work only two days prior. (Just chit chat/joked around.) If she knew the truth about what was going on, why are you so upset about her being contacted from one of our friends who is sick of seeing all of us get hurt over and over...? I told him to go enjoy his miserable F-ing life and hung up on him. and then I cried.

I do care for him, however I know its just not right, and I am doing my best to move on. Yet it seems every time I make a move to go forward in my life something brings him back into my life and I'm forced to feel my feelings again. It just keeps hurting, and I have a very fulfilling life, great family and friends, decent career, new car and lots of time for hobbies. I feel good, but he is still the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning. I just can't deny it. Do I keep trying to move on and just keep the faith that if its meant to be he'll figure it out regardless of what I do?

The whole thing is just pathetic and despite my feelings, I can't be involved in their game any longer. Its like he brings me back in the picture to see what kind of life he could have but then he's too afraid to commit to his feelings for me. I have not given him reason not to trust me since I broke up with him so many years ago. Will he ever figure out what he truly wants? Is it a lost cause? Why am I being blamed for his shortcomings in his other relationship? It hurts to be blamed for everything, I truly did not want to be involved with someone while they are with someone else. I told him that. Its not right. I feel like a damn long term booty call right now. Completely used. I just don't know where to turn for advice. All I hear is time will tell. Don't worry about it, cause the people that saw us together know how happy we are with each other. But will he ever remember and know for sure? However, if he's just going to leave me every time he feels he's falling for me, how will it ever have a chance? How can I ever trust him? and meanwhile he thinks he's afraid? I only left him once. This is like the 50th time he's left me. How can anyone be that afraid to be alone that they run from one person to another over and over? Thanks for listening...

Dear Marnie

You're a pretty gullible person, really.

This guy wouldn't know love if it was spooned into his mouth. He knows sex, and he knows he wants whatever he can get get. And he has two women both fool enough to take him back.

Be clear, he has never come back to you; he's left her when the nagging got too much,or her need for commitment. You were waiting. He left you when the nagging got too much, or your need for commitment. She was waiting. And so on. He runs from, never to.

You've accepted a shouting and sharing relationship that suits him - and tortures you and her. I don't hear him complaining. In fact, I'd be prepared to bet the ranch it continues until one of you women has the guts to say 'no' - and I suspect she will before you. Then you'll be stuck with him, and then you'll finally realise what a slug you've waited for.

What use is he, sex aside? What has he ever done for you? Would you want this untrustworthy scum to be the father of your children?

Take some of the blame; you started the mind games and let him know you were willing to be jerked around. But it's time to grow up and find a real man. Isn't it?