In-laws are unreasonable and insane!

Ian wrote:

Ever since we started dating my wife's family has hated me. Her mother has talked about me behind my back to my wife and her sister, everytime we visited their places, has barely said three sentences to me.

Now we are expecting our first. Her family now is like-"Oh we want you to move closer to us so we can help take care of the babies. Our daughters are so excited." Yeah right. She worked my wife up into a frenzy. My wife was saying things like that would be nice. But I don't want it and she was starting to accept things without me. Then she was saying I don't know,etc...

Now normally people ask you nicely. These people are not. They are demanding it of us and they expect us to go to another state for one day, make a decision and then move within a month. That is crazy. I don't like these people and don't want to be on top of them.

My wife finally agreed that she would not keep changing her mind, that we would say no. But she is afraid of these people that they would yell at her. I said, your mother has screamed and yelled in the past and she does so again-she now says the schools aren't that good, the jobs are better there... First of all the kid won't be born for 4 months (they want the kid born there) and second the kid wont even be going to school for at least 5 years.

I suggested a workaround-we visit maybe 4-5 times a year (driving there on a 4 hour car trip) and they come here maybe 2-3 times a year and we would put them up in a hotel as we wouldn't have room for them.

She is afraid that her sister, who basically won't take no for an answer and who has basically told me that my opinion doesn't matter, says it is for the good of the baby and what is wrong with you...etc. She told my wife to put her foot down and demand we go. She even had the audacity to tell my wife that if she doesn't move there, she will kidnap her (my wife thinks it is a joke-I don't know about that).

The mother wants to pay our rent between 900-1200 month (our property taxes come out to about 7,000 year). Then they said don't sell the house so if you don't like it here, you can go back after a year. Yeah, how often is that about to happen.

Is there something wrong with me that I don't want to live with these people. Every one says that I should tell them the reason why. First off if I did, that would hurt my wife. This is her sister. Second I think that if I told them I dislike them for the poor way they have treated me in the past (her mother included) they wouldn't care, that I don't do things because someone else not in my family demands I do it and because moving that quickly and starting over again that fast (unless your company relocates you) is insane.

I just have a feeling that my wife is eventually going to get yelled at so much that she is going to cave in and we are going to be dragged somewhere that is not going to be in the best interests of us. I want my kid to learn self reliance and I don't think this is the way.

What do you think. Should I just cave in and go and no complain for the rest of my life, or continue to protest, and let my wife scream at me, (because her hormones are running amuck) when her sister screams. NOw she keeps saying she is sorry she is pregnant because of what is going on.

What do you think we should do? Don't say sever ties with them because she is very close to her sister and that is not a reality. They already think I am a jerk. If she severs ties with them, they will think I am a control freak and monster too and who knows, that might make my wife really angry with me.

Dear Ian

There is no easy answer - and no 'right' answer. It's all about what works and what doesn't.

For as long as you are married, you will have the in-laws, so learn now, that you will never ever survive unless you and your wife agree on how to manage them - and stick to it.

That means there's no point pushing your wife too far, as she'll not be able to stick to a policy that hurts her.

But you have to make her understand how you feel.

It will not be easy. But remember that if you are going to have children, then you have the power; if they mess you about, they don't get to see the grandkids.

But if you and your wife cannot agree, then you have two choices; fifty years of pain. Or divorce. Your choice.