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Could he be cheating?

Babe wrote:

I'm 23 years old and I've been with the same guy for nearly a year. We met a through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. We even did the 'I Love You' thing about a month into the relationship. I go to school in a different city - about three hours away so I don't quite live at home. I've been back for the past couple months and we've pretty much spent all our time together, although sometimes I feel like he just doesn't want to.

I've had boyfriends cheat on me in the past and although he repeatedly tells me that I'm just paranoid and he only loves me, I can't help but still be scared that be might be cheating.

Recently, I had logged onto hotmail, thinking it was mine, but it had actually opened onto his account. I was using his computer and I had even put in my address and whatnot, but I suppose there was a glitch. Anyways, I saw the message that I had sent him earlier, and then something from another site. The site promotes no strings, no attachments, just sex. I haven't told him yet that I found this in his account, but this is just rising more paranoia. Another message in the site states that he had a message in his account. I didn't look even though I had the password.

I know he also many female friends and again, he assures that there is nothing going on between him and them, but the paranoia is still there. Is the past cheating from the other boyfriends making me go so crazy? I really do and am in love with this guy. He says and does pretty much everything right in our relationship. His family loves me and everybody always tells me how happy we look together. So why am I so paranoid about the cheating? Does it even sound like he IS cheating or am I just going to extremes?

Dear Babe

Of course he could be cheating, and from your story, he probably is.

But that's not the problem, is it? The problem is the unlikely event that he's NOT cheating; he cannot prove he is not cheating, can he?

So this is all about trust.

To some extent, I'd argue that it really doesn't matter if he's cheating or not - you don't trust him, so he might as well be. And that's how distrust can lead to cheating ...

But if you think you may be able to trust him again, then try thinking along these lines:

With your previous experience of being cheated on, how did you find out? Was it suspicion first, or evidence first, or just pure chance? Because what you have to do now, is to evaluate your own fear, trust and Sherlockian abilities.

In other words, are you untrusting, are you jealous, is it your problem?

Or are you trusting, but astute and a good judge of others.

Without firm evidence, that's your choice. And, for what it's worth, I never met a relationship that survived reading others' emails, however accidently the opportunity came.

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