Why can't I leave this man?
Davinia wrote :
I was in an exclusive
relationship of three years with my soulmate. My daughter and I moved in with
him last year. We had a lot of good times paired with equally bad. I thought they
were growing pains, and kept trying harder.
He proposed to me over Christmas
2006. But my new fiancé turned on me in an argument and said horrible things
(that I provoked and deserved the sexual abuse that occurred when I was a child.)
This led to a terrible mutual physical fight.
I left him for a few weeks,
and after he asked for one more chance, I did the classic textbook "stupid
girl" thing and moved back in. I found evidence of online relationships with
other women over the last four months, he engaged in a-mailing, called a few on
the phone, and even met one at a local restaurant while I was gone.
felt like he cheated on me. He definitely lied to me. He alleged that the online
dating websites he subscribed to were purely of entertainment value. I rationalized
his behavior. He is older, I had left him, he was insecure, and thought he would
see if he could really date again. I tried hard to understand, to be the bigger
person and forgive him. During this process, we had another argument, and I started
to leave again. After I slapped him and called him a liar, he hit me hard, breaking
my ear drum and bruising my face.
I moved out ... completely.
question is this. I've read numerous examples of men who behave strangely, and
then say they are sorry and it never gets better. I have left, I maintained my
self respect, and I am concentrating on me now. He is devastated, takes responsibility
for his actions, will go to counseling, is giving me the space and time I need,
and also wants to marry me still.
Can men change? What happens to the guys
after an incident of domestic violence? Is it possible for them to have healthy
relationships? Is there a chance to save a relationship after an incident like
this or is it doomed to escalate into more violent situations and arguments? Why
does it seem so impossible for me to leave this man?
can change, as can women; but once a pattern is set, then change is unlikely.
I have no doubt that you have done the right thing by moving out, before things
escalated further ... but you did not move out after the first fight.
means stay friends with him, if you want to - but do not just slip back into the
way things were - or he'll slip back into violence. If he goes to counselling
for a while, you may feel you can move the relationship up a notch ... but my
advice would be to take it very slowly, make no promises for the future, and adopt
a 'zero tolerance' policy.
If he doesn't like it, that remains his problem,
But you also need to consider your daughter; you do not dsay how
old she is, but if she nneds your protection, then that includes protection from
All this is very soon; counselling takes time; months, not days
or weeks - you'd be crazy to even think about moving back in for a very long time.
your last question? Well, I don't know - but at some level, you do. I suspect
it's part pride - you do not want to accept your relationship has failed. And
that's linked with you still thinking it's "your problem".
your problem, it's his. And only he can fix it.
I wish you all the luck in the
world - but if you take him back too soon, you are risking more than a relationship
breakdown - you are risking your daughter's future. And you have no right to do