Worth saving the friendship?

Kate wrote:

My best friend (call her BF) and I (call me X) met when we were both about three months old, our mothers were best friends. We are now 24 and, although we've always had a long distance friendship, we both considered each other best friends.

About four years ago she introduced me to a friend of hers (call him Y), and we started dating. We are now engaged and have been living together for a year. The problem started about a year ago. I was having doubts in my relationship and I would confide in BF. My boyfriend and I worked it out, and we are now fine. But I found out that she was saying things to him behind my back.

She told him through email "X and I aren't as close as we used to be. She told me that she didn't cheat on you but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. I felt like she was holding something back." That hurt but I figured that they were also friends and that she was just looking out for Y.

Throughout the last four years BF has continued to act the way she always has around Y. She's an extremely flirty person, and will sit on his knee, and she's even tried to crawl into bed with him when there were no spare beds left after a party (just to sleep ... but it still bothered me). She also makes a lot of comments about how much closer Y and her used to be before we started dating.

I've talked to Y about this and he says that they were casual friends, and they partied together but that she was blowing it out of proportion. I always let it go, and tell her to talk to Y about it if their current situation bothers her. Then Y & I went to spend a weekend with BF.

Its always bothers me how she acts around him but I've never said anything. I don't want to come off as the jealous girlfriend and the one time I tried to talk to her about it she says that's the way they've always been. I was grouchy and went to bed early and they chatted before going to bed.

A couple days later Y told me that BF had said "why are you dating her when she's such a stick in the mud". I have basically avoided her for the last two weeks because I've been so hurt by what she said. I tried to call her on it, but she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Should I not hold my position that I think she was in the wrong and move past this? Right now I don't know if this friendship is worth saving and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Kate

You ARE jealous; the question is whether you are entitled to be.

Your boyfriend seems to enjoy stirring the matter by reporting all this stuff to you, and you aren't helping by snooping at emails.

You ARE jealous; the question is what to do about it.

It sounds to me like you have grown apart from your old pal; you don't trust eachother, you really don't like each other very much.

What I'm not clear about is your relationship with the boyfriend. Is it him that drove you girls apart - or just made you realise you no longer respected each other? He sounds a bit of a slimeball, but maybe I'm getting things out of context?

You need to decide what's important to you; you seem to be desperately clinging to two shaky relationships. Decide which matters (If either of them does - do be honest with yourself).

Then sort out the relationship with the one you face a future with. Remember that while you are jealous of them, she is also jealous of you and him; he is jealous of you and her.

Once you've sorted out your head, maybe all three of you should talk this out, for good or ill?

Whatever you decide, think FUTURE not PAST.

Good Luck!