Worth saving the friendship?
My best friend (call
her BF) and I (call me X) met when we were both about three months old, our mothers
were best friends. We are now 24 and, although we've always had a long distance
friendship, we both considered each other best friends.
About four years
ago she introduced me to a friend of hers (call him Y), and we started dating.
We are now engaged and have been living together for a year. The problem started
about a year ago. I was having doubts in my relationship and I would confide in
BF. My boyfriend and I worked it out, and we are now fine. But I found out that
she was saying things to him behind my back.
She told him through email
"X and I aren't as close as we used to be. She told me that she didn't cheat
on you but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. I felt like she was holding something
back." That hurt but I figured that they were also friends and that she was
just looking out for Y.
Throughout the last four years BF has continued
to act the way she always has around Y. She's an extremely flirty person, and
will sit on his knee, and she's even tried to crawl into bed with him when there
were no spare beds left after a party (just to sleep ... but it still bothered
me). She also makes a lot of comments about how much closer Y and her used to
be before we started dating.
I've talked to Y about this and he says that
they were casual friends, and they partied together but that she was blowing it
out of proportion. I always let it go, and tell her to talk to Y about it if their
current situation bothers her. Then Y & I went to spend a weekend with BF.
Its always bothers me how she acts around him but I've never said anything.
I don't want to come off as the jealous girlfriend and the one time I tried to
talk to her about it she says that's the way they've always been. I was grouchy
and went to bed early and they chatted before going to bed.
A couple days
later Y told me that BF had said "why are you dating her when she's such
a stick in the mud". I have basically avoided her for the last two weeks
because I've been so hurt by what she said. I tried to call her on it, but she
doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Should I not hold my position that I think she was in the wrong and move past
this? Right now I don't know if this friendship is worth saving and any advice
would be greatly appreciated.
You ARE jealous;
the question is whether you are entitled to be.
Your boyfriend seems to enjoy
stirring the matter by reporting all this stuff to you, and you aren't helping
by snooping at emails.
You ARE jealous; the question is what to do about it.
sounds to me like you have grown apart from your old pal; you don't trust eachother,
you really don't like each other very much.
What I'm not clear about is your
relationship with the boyfriend. Is it him that drove you girls apart - or just
made you realise you no longer respected each other? He sounds a bit of a slimeball,
but maybe I'm getting things out of context?
You need to decide what's important
to you; you seem to be desperately clinging to two shaky relationships. Decide
which matters (If either of them does - do be honest with yourself).
out the relationship with the one you face a future with. Remember that while
you are jealous of them, she is also jealous of you and him; he is jealous of
you and her.
Once you've sorted out your head, maybe all three of you should
talk this out, for good or ill?
Whatever you decide, think FUTURE not PAST.