Should I believe my husband?

Rachel wrote:

My husband and I, have been together for 6 years. We met in college, and our relationship during that time was great. When we graduated he proposed to me, and he went on to law school. Things started to change.

During that time, when I would meet females from his school, they would go out of their way to hug him, and make flirtatious comments in front of me. When my husband and I were alone, I would ask him "why"?. He would usually get mad at me, and tell me that I was jealous, that he did nothing wrong. He would tell me that HE was the "victim" of the girls comments. He would go on to say that the females never acted like that to him, only when I was around. He says that they were jealous of me because I was pretty.

It didn't stop with law school friends. It happens with anyone who he knows first. He recently started a new job, and I told him to please make male friends. I recently went out with him for drinks with his new collegues. Sure enough a girl at the table shouted "finally", when we got there. She gave me looks the whole time at the table, and went on to make a fool out of me. Calling my husband sweetie, as she rubbed his shoulders when we got there. My husband told me again that she was another person who was probably jealous of me. That he doesn't even know her name, or talk to her. She just likes attention. When I bring up the subject he flips out on me, and tells me I'm insecure, jealous, and that I don't trust him, and that I let the girls win. I really don't know if its me, or if girls that he meets are just crazy. But this happens all of the time.

Dear Rachel

Two things strike me immediately:

1. You have not mentioned one single thing that HE has done that upsets you - it's all about other people.

2. It's always been this way; if it hurt so much, why did you marry him?

Following that, if he's unfaithful with, oh, 30 or forty women a year, don't you think by now he's have learned to be discreet?

He may just be a flirtacious fellow - if you can' cope with that, is it his problem - or yours?

You ask if you should believe him; why ask? You don't.

The question is what to do about it. Short of divorce, I'd suggest you tell your husband your feelings and fears, and tell him that you are going to get counselling. The counsellor may suggest joint sessions, and you'd like him to be prepared to come too.

I'm not saying this is your problem; I cannot know. But from what you've said, and the fact you have not even mentioned whether you care or not, suggests it's likely your jealousy that is destroying your marriage.

How do you feel about losing him? If he's so unfaithful, that should be a positive move, right?

Time to be honest with yourself. Do you want an emasculated man, not the man you fell in love with, just so you know exactly where he is?

Or do you want a better marriage where you can cope with your fears without breaking up?