Marriage on the Rocks

Lauren wrote:

My husband and I have been together for five years but only married for seven months. We have gone through his infidelity issues, which I don’t trust have stopped. I have two children from a previous marriage which puts a lot of strain on our relationship in general even before we got married. He is not a fully involved step parent; he takes the back seat most of the time which does not help.

Our current issue is him wanting a child and I don’t …. we have gone through counseling and seeing our pastor however he refuses to give me any kind of answer on if our relationship is going to keep going or end come this June. I don’t know what the significance is with June but that is what he mentioned. I feel that he is stalling but he wants out but again this is only my opinion. The more he waits the more distant we both become.

I don’t understand why he needs three months to figure this out, he is miserable. I am at my wits end with the whole situation. I don’t know what to do… can you help me or give me what you think?

Dear Lauren,

Don't ever discuss anything with an ultimatum hanging over you; there's no need to wait for june; sort it now.

You haven't actually said what you want. You have said you don't trust the man you just married, and you don't want his child; I'm actually a little unclear why you married him, if you expect him to be unfaithful.

Did you not discuss having children before you wed? Because if you did, then there's really no room for argument so soon after, if ever (though with time, people's attitudes to children really can change).

If you agreed not to have children, then it's most likely that he's using this as an excuse to 'want out'. But if you did plan to have children together, why have you changed?

Point is, if neither of you want to be married to each other, then separate; and give some serious thought to why you did it in the first place - especially after five years living together that obviously worked just fine. It's an important question, because this simple - but huge - change in your relationship has probably brought it close to breaking.

Why did you do it, and what are you (both) going to do about it?

Once you sort out if you want to be together, THEN you can sort out questions of parenthood and fidelity. If neither of you wants to stay together, those side arguments are just a waste of time and emotion.

Big picture first. Then details.