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Unprotected Sex

Sebastian wrote:

For about three years I liked a coworker. Finally after that time I asked her out on a date. She accepted and we had a truly wonderful time at a dinner and a dance. Three days later she invited me over to her house and for the next two days we spent some really wonderful moments. We laughed, we shared, we cooked, movies...etc... some sex but no intercourse.

On the second day, we had dinner at a restaurant and we talked about possibly getting together sexually(intercourse). She said she really liked me but wanted to take things slow and that maybe after dinner we might. She mentioned that she used a sponge that was about 67% safe and that she did not let any man finish inside her.

After we got home, she said that she was not ready and wanted to take things slow and that I could either stay or go. I of course stayed and at around 5am, we ended up having intercourse. As we were having sex, she got on top of me and after a while I really could not help myself and I ended up finishing inside her. She got really furious, rand downstairs to the bathrooom and in a couple of minutes, she ran back up and in a very explicit manner told me to get out of her house. I of course left without saying anything.

Two days later I emailed her and text her twice to apologize and hope that we could talk. She did not answer and three days later I sent her another text and e-mail and she still did not answer. On the second email I shared something very personal, to the fact that I cannot have children unless I received treatment. I was not using that as an excuse, but merely to help her relax and not stress so much about getting pregnant. I mentioned that I do have a child with my ex-wife and had to have treatment. We never talked about it, but she new I was separated but I am not sure if she new I had a child.

It has been about eght days now and she has not responded. Should I try one more time, should I call her (I have not called only texted her and emailed her) or should I just go on with my life and forget about her??? I do not know what to do. I will periodically see her at work. we don't see each other all the time at work. What should I do, I would at least like to end things on a good note.

Don't know what to do

Dear Sebastian,

First, I have to mention - because you didn't - that both of you were remarkably stupid not to use a condom at that stage in the relationship.

Second, it's entirely up to her, and no amount of harassment from you will change that.

She may be angry, and need time to get through that, she may simply be firghtened that she is pregnant, and feel abused and disrespected. We don't know. But we do know that she needs time; first to find out if she is pregnan, but also to work though probably mixed feelings. She may never want any contact with you again; on the other hand, she may come to realise that you were both equally stupid, and a bit of teamwork may help you both. Who knows?

There's no useful intervention you can make at this time. A simple "if you want to talk about it, here's how to find me - anytime" is the best you can do. And if you meet at work, be friendly, but neither push it, nor make assumptions.

Let her have control - But don't 'forget about her' - events of the next few weeks may make that impossible, anyway.

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