has agreed to marriage counseling , but only for the
resolution of the marriage. We have been seperated for
the past 1 1/2 months due to my drinking problems and
She indicates thats she's had
it with this crap, is not willing to put her heart out
there again and get trampled on. We have 3 children
13, 9 and 7.
I feel there is to much to lose
and dismantling the marriage will have grave effects
If going to marriage is my final
chance, (and yes I am doing the right things,AA meetings
and counseling/never any physical abuse, just a lack
of attention to the spiritual, emotional, physical,
and mental aspects of our marrige)...and she is indicating
that she is not lifting a finger to make it work is
I can only tell her how I feel,and
maybe the counselor will be able to break her hard shell
and make her see something in the marriage that still
exsists. I deserve a another chance,and feel that if
she can see me now, sober and clean, she'll get the
best man she's ever had...
Whats your insight
on the marriage counseling and her insisting on not
lifting a finger?
You say you are a recovering alcoholic, who has neglected
the "the spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental
aspects" of your marrige, and you seem surprised
that your wife is slow to trust you.
- How long
have been off the booze?
- How long were you controlled
- Who told you it would be easy?
do have a chance of rebuilding your marriage, but not
until you stop thinking about your needs, and start
thinking about hers ... and the kids.
For I don't
know how long, you have - on your own admission - neglected
your family, broken promises, and put yourself first.
circumstances change, but you still expect the whole
world to revolve around you.
Life ain't like that.
can destroy a relationship in seconds - your wife deserves
a medal for holding on so long - but rebuilding can
take a long time. I suspect your wife's decision is
not based on her feelings, but on her love for the kids
(remember them?). She stayed with you for them, now
she's leaving you, before you destroy them wih more
Maybe this time you have turned
the corner. I hope so. So does she. But if so, take
the time to prove it to her. Win her all over again.
Doesn't she deserve that? Else why do you want
to keep the marriage?
Hello,...I just read some advice you wrote back to a
> recovering alcoholic who has been having trouble
> with his wife. He stated he was never physically
> abusive. His troubles were not being there
> spiritually and mentally for her. You told him
> basically he should expect to be treated
the way he
> has been even now that he is sober.
You say he's a recovering alcoholic; I read his
whines as an alcoholic who has stopped drinking, but
still feels the world owes him a living - "never
any physical abuse, just a lack of attention to the
spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental aspects of
our marrige" - as if that makes it all right, then.
The point of my reply, is that his
attitude stinks - and - like it or not - he has more
HE destroyed the trust (yes, DESTROYED
- get your head around that!) and now he whines that
she dosn't trust him.
> Its people like you
who make getting sober even more
for the alcoholic. Let me guess ... you're not
a former addict are you??? So how could you possibly
> know what its like? These people yelled at us to
> pleaded with us to stop, threatened awful
> against us to get us to stop. Then when
we are finally
> ready to stop for US, (which
is THE ONLY way staying
> sober can work )
the problem; you only really care about your own agenda
("These people!"), and yet it's everyone else's
job to make it easy for you.
That is NOT recovery
- that is being a sober alcoholic. To rejoin the human
race, which you chose to leave, YOU must make sacrifices,
YOU must make it easy for those you tortured.
you don't like the truth, well tough on you, because
that's the way it is in the real world, whatever I think
- and whatever you think.
> these same people
shut us out. Bring up things we did when
were drinking in the middle of an argument just to belittle
> and embarrass us. Then with all the ignorance a
> person can muster about the disease,
they say "I'm not going
> to change,....Im
not the one with the problem." How can two
> people be in a relationship for say 4 years or
so, while one of
> them is an addict,.......THEN
the addict gets sober and the
> other person
continues to treat them like an addict????? BOTH
> people must change. The addiction has affected
BOTH of them.
> THEY BOTH need to heal from
it,..just in different ways.
Yes, both will need
to change; but it's the alcoholic who must change first,
as they are the ones who have caused the breakdown in
the first place.
Often, the partner has had enough,
and does not want to change. And why should they? Why
should they take a risk, when they've lived with lies
and deceit and mental torture for years?
pray tell, are they supposed to know that this time
it's for real?
OF COURSE it's not easy; and the
alcoholic who is really ready for change deserves a
bloody medal for courage and persistence. But HOW DARE
YOU put the blame on those who tried, time after time
to help - and are still there after all that. Be grateful
they'll even talk to you, because no law says they have
> So when you say its perfectly normal
for someone to treat the
> recovering addict
like an active addict ... I think you're full of &*#@@!
I didn't say it's 'Normal' - but I do say it's
entirely to be expected; yes, I know it makes recovery
even more difficult. But what do you want, miracles?
Sorry to be so rash, but I cant stand when people who
> experience of being addicted try to
"touch" on the subject. Some
you just need to be to understand. Kinda like the phrase
> after telling a funny story to people. "Well,
you had to BE there"
I don't have to be
buried in shit to know it smells; I don't have to see
a relationship destroyed by one person to know that
ONLY THAT PERSON can rebuild it.
NOT about just one person - the alcoholic - it's about
ALL those connected. And the alcoholic who fails to
see recovery as rebuilding and making good ALL that
damage, is not in recovery.
OF COURSE it isn't
easy. And nobody can make it so. But for one in genuine
recovery, it will be worth it. And that's a promise.
Gus is upset because he thinks that the
wife should bend over backwards to make things work
because Frank is trying to recover and she has indicated
that she will not lift a finger to help the relationship.
The point he is missing is that usually it is when the
other person in the relationship has finally had enough
and is emotionally detached from the addict and is ready
to leave that they then want to recover.
hurray for them that they want to recover (and I mean
it is a good thing) but sometimes it is too late to
revive the relationship after all the emotional carnage
that has been done. I am at that point, he wants to
recover and I just want him out of my life. Difficult
place to be. I have no more patience, compassion or
caring about his problems.