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Should I tell him how I feel?

Cordella wrote:

I love a man who is my friend. He is wonderful, we almost dated but involvement from others and current health issues kinda ruined it. I've been in a few long term relationships before as well as other experiences in emotional attachments but this is different than anything I've ever experienced. I admire and appreciate his best traits and I recognize and understand his faults, I never want to find someone else.

I met this guy just under a year after my break-up of a 3.5 year relationship, I am very cautious by nature with my thoughts, my affections are not idly gifted to people but this caught me by surprise. I remember the exact moment when we made our first direct eye contact, it was like hitting a cement wall in a jet plane. I didnt understand it cause he was not like anyone I had ever thought of as a potential mate, I didn't know what I was attracted to cause he was just an average looking guy. I wrote it off at first as a chemical/physical interest, as I got to know him a little more personally I realized he was truly a good person and I started to think differently about my attraction.

I did not want to get involved with anyone, I needed time to deal with myself and my life before even considering looking for another guy, I tried to fight it, let it go, even guilt myself out of liking him. Nothing worked, it wouldnt go away, it grew stronger the more I fought it. I started to analyze the situation to try and clarify what I was thinking and feeling, every woman has a picture of her " perfect ideal man " stored away in her head, he was as close as I've ever experienced to that picture, almost an exact replica physically, mentally, emotionally......

Finally I gave in and told him what was going on, he had his suspicions which didn't surprise me, we were quite comfortable with each other and a bit flirtatious ( understatement ). He told me that he was interested and he wanted to think it through for a bit, I was fine with that, I wasnt looking to dive into anything either. Just him being seriously interested was surprising, he has turned down every opportunity to come his way in a few years, hes looking for something with substance.

He considered our possible involvement for a few months, he finally decided reluctantly that he did not want to get together....and I'll tell you why. He is still very much interested, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes, but there is a hook in him. He is unbreakably obsessed with a girl, she is married and he knows he will never have her, I understand his situation, I was just giving him another option in life. She plays the part of his best friend and she admits she feels guilty for not cutting him loose cause she cares for him too but not as much as her husband of course. I'm thinking she feels I'm a threat to her situation ( 2 guys in her control )and is excluding me from their friendship.

He does not know how much I care about him, or at least I don't think he knows, I was calm, agreeable, friendly, forgiving and understanding throughout the entire ordeal. Even though I will not have him I do not want to find another, I would rather live my life empty and alone than to be with someone who is not him. It saddens me, I would treat him with respect, patience, appreciation, affection and dedication for all his life if given the chance, I have learned enough about him to know that he would do the same to who he stays with for life. I have to leave him be now, its very difficult to stay away, to let life and time go on, I will forgive him anything and everything but I will never forget him and I will love him for life, until my last breath leaves me. I do not know if there is any way to save this possible relationship.

I would be happy to remain his friend, anything to keep him as a part of my life, but even that opportunity is being taken away, I have tenatively decided to discuss some details with him, basically I want to tell him I still care and to give it some time before making a permanent decision on the possibility. I don't know what else to do, I am being closed out of the social circle in which he is contained, the best friend girl is the leader and controller of the group. I feel like I should just tell him exactly how I feel before my chance is gone, it looks like I won't keep the friendship going no matter what I do. What course of action or opinion can you offer me? I would appreciate any response, all input is acceptable. There will be good pointers and harsh comments I'm sure but I am an individual who is not afraid to see and understand the truth, 'mama never told me life was fair......' Thank you for your time,

Dear Cordella

Unless he's brain-dead, he knows exactly how you feel.

You've been chasing him for how long? And he's said 'no' how many times?

Get real, kid - this is not love, it's obsession. You are not in love him him; he's a challenge, and you won't give in because 'that woman' will have won.

Worse than that, all this teenage crushing on a man who has rejected your many offers is a nice excuse to avoid looking for a real relationship with a real man.

Your choice - but you know as well as I do, that this is hopeless, childish, and can only be destructive - to you.

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