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Husband Sides With Family Against Me

Patricia wrote:

I have a difficult situation with my in-laws and also with my husband. My husband, my daughter (2 years old) and I were visiting his parents at their house. Since I have a toddler I asked them not to smoke in the house. My husband's father and 2 brothers who live with them are smoking in the house. And since my daughter is a very light sleeper I asked them to keep the noise down. My in-laws sleep only with the TV on and loud. Nobody knows what is that to be quite.

All 3 of us got sick and had sore throats. I asked my father in-law not to give ice-cream to my daughter because she was sick. He did not listen to me and kept offering her ice-cream. My husband was standing right there holding my daughter. After the 3rd time that I asked my father in law I got really upset and pointed that I am still my girl's mother and he should be respecting my words especially when I am standing right there and he doesn't pay attention.

At this point my husband's father started yelling at me and saying that I disrespect him in his own house. He was yelling at me in front of my daughter and my husband using f- words and all kinds of insulting words. Have to point that he drinks every day. My husband did not say a word.

When I said I wanted to go home, my husband did not want to leave. First, he did not admit that that was insulting, than he said he did not want anybody to be upset. I made it clear to him that I was also upset with him letting his father insult me. He tried to talk to his father but all we got is more insults and f-words and "I want her to get out of my house". After that my husband still did not want to leave. I insisted and he said we were living. After that his mom (who supported his father) came knocking in our door while we were packing and asked my husband "So, are you going to cook those stakes?" (before all that started my husband was going to cook stakes. When we were leaving his dad was yelling at me and calling me names. My husband did not say a word.

And then he made me say his parents that they will still see their granddaughter!!! All that was right before her eyes. She was crying, she is very sensitive about people screaming at each other.

We had to stay at the hotel and then we had to pay $1000.00 for the plane tickets because ours were not returnable. Next morning at the hotel my husband asked me if I was sure I wanted to go because we could still return to his parents!!!!! I insisted on flying back home, of course.

It has being a couple of weeks, his parents did not apologize. I talked to my husband but he says he did not hear his dad calling me names (even though there was no sentence he said without calling me names). Of course, I don't believe him. My husband wants them to be able to come and he wants us to go visit them. I do not want to see them ever again. If I disagree he says my parents who are very loving and extremely helpful will not see their granddaughter again too. And I do not want them to be around my daughter. I find the situation very unhealthy. I am deeply disgusted with my in-laws and even more with my husband. I appreciate your time and advise. Thank you in advance

Dear Patricia

My concern is entirely with the child. You have my sympathy, but I suspect this was not an isolated incident, and I believe you probably could have thought about these issues before the trip, not exposed your daughter to all this verbal violence.

But the issue is the child. Your husband is being childish and unsupportive, and it is your relationship with him that needs focus. Does he really care that little for his daughter that he would play such mind games?

Is he abusive and bullying in other ways?

You need to think about your daughter, and her future, and either get some support, or talk your husband round.

Be aware - if this is not sorted now, it has 16 years to get worse - and it won't get better.

Read a follow up letter here - it's a different angle

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