Obsessed with old friend
The gist of my question is how to get over someone I am apparently
obssesed with. It's making me crazy. He's someone I was friends with
about 13 years ago, who had feelings for me. We were never a couple,
though. I'm going to try to condense my story a little, but I think
the details will help, so I apologize for the length.
When I was 18 I had a friend named Greg. He developed a huge crush
on me as we grew closer as friends, but I just didn't see him that
way. He was geeky, insecure, etc. But sweet. And I knew how he felt
(he told my best friend everything) and I appreciated his feelings
for me. It made our friendship that much sweeter for me, to know that
he really cared for me that much. We hung out ALL THE TIME. He was
friends with my brother, so he even slept over a lot and had his own
toothbrush at my house!
I got a boyfriend about 6 months into our friendship. At this point
Greg started getting really into drugs. He also developed some confidence
and became somewhat of a ladies man during his senior year of highschool.
I got jealous. We talked a lot and just hearing him tell me about
these girls made me crazy. I started to crush on him BAD, but I didn't
Then he went away to college, used all sorts of insane drugs, discovered
the joys of casual sex, and happily told me all about it. He would
also get semi-inappropriate with me, asking me sexual questions, like
what sorts of things my boyfriend and I had done, etc. But I still
wanted to be around him. He came home from college for his Thanksgiving
break and we got together... we had a little "messing around"
incident in his basement. Nothing huge, but enough to make me freak
out at cheating on my boyfriend. I think he felt bad about it, because
I ran out of his house before he could even say anything. Our friendship
was immediately awkward, obviously.
Then he got busted for drugs and went to jail. We wrote letters,
and I got VERY flirty with him. I also told him that I'd developed
feelings for him (really STRONG feelings) and I addressed the basement
incident, of which he didn't have any excuse for (he was the aggressor,
I just kind of sat there and let him DO things). He asked why I'd
developed feelings for him when we never saw each other, instead of
when we were hanging out every day. I don't remember what response
I gave him.
The next few years I didn't see much of him. Sometimes I'd see him
around the mall or around college (he enrolled in my college after
he got out of jail). Things were awkward between us. I don't think
either of us knew what to say to each other anymore.
We lost touch, and then a few years later ('99) I sent him a Christmas
card. He called, we chatted, and then we went out to lunch. Nothing
big, conversation was superficial. We lost touch again. A few years
later ('02) I found him online and contacted him. We IM'ed, emailed,
and hung out once. He told me he was in Narcotics Anonymous and he
told me about his relationship troubles... he knew that the kind of
girl he was looking for (i.e. a good girl like me!) would never want
to date a drug addicted felon. He also talked about his mom's bad
relationships and how that messed him up. It was sweet, but we still
seemed to be awkward around each other. There was this HUGE elephant
in the room neither of us would address. I feel like I intimidated
him in a sense -- in terms of where we both were in life, I got the
feeling that he felt he didn't measure up.
Again, we lost touch. Every time we've lost touch it's been because
he stopped responding to me.
All this time... after 13 years, he is STILL in my heart and in my
head. I have dreams about him every few months. I've never been in
love with him, but I've loved him as a person. I've often felt like
a crazy woman searching for him online, wondering what he's up to,
if he's happy, if he has love in his life. I can't explain why, but
I desperately want to be his friend. I want to be in touch with him.
I want him to know that I care about him and that I'm here for him.
The friendship that we developed when we were teenagers was SO significant
to me. And I worry that I've exaggerated the significance of our former
friendship in my head. Plus, I most definitely am still attracted
to him, though I haven't seen him in 4 years.
I need closure, I need resolution, and the only way I think I can
make this happen is to communicate with him. I can't continue the
way I am... I've tried ignoring my feelings and that's when I start
having dreams about him (the last one had us making out). These feelings
will not go away and it's making me CRAZY.
I sent Greg a letter through email spilling my guts. It's been a
few days and I think it's still unread. I worry about not getting
a response from him. I'm afraid this will make it even worse, though
I did promise in the letter that if he didn't respond I'd leave him
alone forever. YIKES! Just the thought of that is scary.
I know it seems counterproductive to want him in my life (seeing
as how I'm married and my crush is pretty serious), but I've tried
ignoring my feelings and despite 4 years of no contact with him, that
hasn't worked yet.
A bit too late to ask advice now; you've done it. And what seriously
amazes me is that you've told the whole sad story without a single
word of concern for your marriage or your children. And you stand
to lose both.
All I can say is Good Luck - and I suspect you'll need it.