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Is it impossible to make friends?

Naomi wrote:

So I see people around in their profiles around the web, and I always see them write "I have the best friends ever! They're always here for me..." etc.

To put it bluntly...I don't see what I'm doing wrong, because I've never had the 'best' friends ever and they're most certainly not always here for me. Let me show you a few examples.

One of my friendships changed my life completely. This girl was wonderful. Everything I could ever want in a friend. We were through the same things, it seemed, and best of all, she liked the same kind of anime as me!! She lives about three hours away from me, and we became great friends fast.

I even went through I 'crush' stage where I thought I was in love with her. I let her know too, and she had no problem with it, she was bisexual herself and was really supportive of me. We could talk about anything for hours and we were seriously the BEST of friends. But that only lasted from September until about ... the middle of December.

Around then, I dated a few girls, and my friend started getting jealous, and she even admitted to me that she had a crush on me, on New Year's Day, after I had gotten into a new relationship with one of my other good friends. And after a little while, around early January, I found that I was only going out with who I was dating, as a replacement for this friend. And I rightly dated her, the one who I am talking about right now. This only lasted a few days due to her parents homophobicness and her peers spreading rumours that her parents might find out about. And if THAT happened, then I wouldn't be able to talk to her anymore, and I wouldn't wanna go through that.

So then, my friend lost her internet due to her bad grades and we only talked on the phone for a while, but that wasn't a problem because we always had stuff to say. Around some point, I'm not sure which, we started to fall apart. Her mother took away her phone privilages and we couldn't talk for nearly five days. Now this was the longest we'd been separated since we'd met. During those five days, I suffered a bit from not being able to talk to my ex, but still BEST friend ever, and I started hanging around one of my other friends, more. And when my friend DID get her internet back, we talked again. All three of us. Me, her, and my other friend that I started to spend more time with. And then I thought everything was okay... wasn't. I started to get envious of her, and angry with her. And I had still never met her.

She started listening to rap, hip hop, all of which I thought we BOTH despised. And she danced to it...I don't know exactly HOW she danced, but I doubt that she can waltz to "Shake" by the Ying Yang Twins. So eventually I had enough of this. She had changed completely!! She was no longer the girl I had grown to know and love. I did what my instincts told me to, and ended the relationship. Things were said...mainly by me...I called her a sleeper...and an attention-seeker. Mostly because she would tell me she's 'suicidal' and she cut sometimes. At first I took it seriously...but then it just got out of hand and she was doing it for attention purposes solely!

A little after my birthday on March 13th I stopped talking to her altogether. I was devastated and obsessed. I kept checking her away messages, I kept track of her new myspace, and all because I felt I had to. Like, I felt our relationship wasn't OVER and we could still be best I did what I next decided (I am quite impulsive) and I BEGGED her to hate me. But she wouldn't. She refused to hate me. She didn't even agree to never talk to me again. So I gave up on this and begged for her forgiveness. But we weren't the same. Not like before. She still seemed distant...more distant than I had ever seen her. She was always busy with her other friends. She quit dance class...and she wasn't always obsessed with Yuugiou, the anime we both loved and put first before anything.

One day, we decided to start our relationship over. And it did. We were all like "Hi! I'm ____" and I was like "Hey, I'm ______!" and we started over ... and I thought it was all gonna go back to how it was ... and I wanted it to. SO BADLY. And she did too...or at least she said so.

Now, just last week, she was on vacation on a cruise to the Bahamas. It was her 'graduation gift'. I've always envied her because of the money her family had and the things she got, and the many friends she had...but I was just happy to have her as a friend. And she met more people on the cruise...she won a singing pop idol contest...and she nearly had a love affair...and now it's back to square one...she's so distant. She hangs with her friends she once told me that she didn't trust...she's always out shopping...and we never talk anymore...not like we used to. And I think it's too far gone to get back and I'm not willing to put forth any further effort towards this issue. It's over and it's done, as far as I am concerned. I'm starting highschool next year in a PUBLIC school and hopefully I can peice my life back together...but that is what I'm worried about..

I want to know what I'm doing wrong. Why I can't find any friends who will stay by my side, somebody who I can stand by their's! It's all I ever wanted...and it seems that the friends I have don't even talk to me anymore.

One of my other friends, who will also remain unnamed, doesn't talk to me anymore. She keeps to herself more than anything. She feels she can't trust me but I've never given her reason not to. And I don't understand it...

Yet another of my friends, who was abusive to me in the past, she is drifting off...I will not see her next school year since we are both changing schools...and I'm afraid she's going to be lured into the life of skipping school and doing drugs which she has already started considering...

I feel terrible. I want to know what I'm doing wrong, somebody, please tell me! All I ask for is for one true friend, like I've heard other people have...many people have three or four friends...I don't get it. I'm not outgoing at all either, and I can't make myself be that way. I don't have the confidence and I don't know how to get it. I told my friend that I bet even if I were the one on the trip to Bahamas I'd never meet anybody because I'm not outgoing enough. And it's not easy to have confidence...especially without the support of a friend.

This has really been bugging me lately and I don't know what to do. If anybody has anything to say about this, any advice, I would appreciate it most...I'm sorry for ranting so much...but I'm desperate.

Dear Naomi

Well, making friends is different for everybody, and this snapshot of your life can't give a guaranteed picture of wehere you are going wrong.

But it does show areas of concern for you to think about.

1. Friendship is much too important to play games with. "Starting over" and expecting things to be the same, is trivializing trust, honesty and integrity. This isn't a game, it's the rest of your life.

2. You seem to treat friends like dolls; you get bored, you throw them away, then you wonder why they don't trust you.

3. You don't know what you want - Asking someone to hate you (well, duh!), then pleading for forgiveness suggests you can't be trusted for ten minutes. If you don't want someone to be a friend, just walk away - no need for play acting. And if you change your mind, don't be surprised if they aren't listening.

4. You expect your friends to be "there for you" - but you are never, ever there for them. People tend to move on when they notice that level of selfishness.

5. And there's plenty more ...

Point is, friendship is a two-way street; be a good friend, and you'll get good friends. Carry on as you are, and you'll live a lonely life.

Your choice. Choose well, before it's too late.

"Honest Advice"

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