I'm A Lesbian - My Friend Isn't

Nadia wrote:

I'm gay ... my friend says she’s straight.

However ... she comes off as extremely open-minded, even asking me if she could go to Pride with me (I’m a lesbian). I’ve been out to her ever since I met her, and I assume that she has figured out that I like her. Only two months after we met, she asked me to go to a lecture at the university with her, and then we walked around campus at night afterwards ... when she weirdly told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend of two years. She said it almost as if she expected a reaction from me ... she didn’t get one.

I’ve been working with her for a year now, and she has hung out and gone out with my lesbian group of friends, always being labeled the “token straight girl” of the bunch. She is always asking me questions about my being gay, although only two months after she broke up with the boyfriend (aforementioned) she got a new boyfriend. She’s been dating him for nearly a year now. Sometimes she invites me out to dinner, just the two of us ... or sometimes over her apartment to just hang out. She calls me a lot, just to talk or to find out what I’m up to, and she’s a big flirt.

But still, she insists that she’s straight.

She is graduating in May and is moving across the country back to her home city for grad school. Although we’re aren’t “best friends,” we see each other nearly every day ... and I’m crazy in love with her, and I’ve never mentioned a thing about it to her. All of my other friends know. But she still insists she’s straight ... but she is very open-minded to everyone I’ve seen her around so far. She’s had no problem with me being gay ever, and in the beginning asked me all sorts of questions on the topic. Now that has feigned, but she’s still a flirt. Maybe she’s leading me on…? But I know she wouldn’t do that. She’s the nicest, most honest and caring person I’ve ever met, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with her.

My friends think that since she’s moving away in three months, I should tell her how I feel. Some think I should do it now, others think I should wait until right before she leaves. But I’m not sure either way if I want to tell her and risk our friendship. If I would happen to tell her how I feel I would have to do so with no expectations from her, because that would be unfair. And I think that, knowing the kind of person that she is, she’d probably feel angry or uncomfortable around me ... angry because my feelings would have cheapened our friendship because she would have thought that all along I’ve only helped her and hung out with her because I liked her. What do you think I should do? Should I tell her? I’d really appreciate some outside advice because everyone on my inner circle is clearly biased and just wants to see how she feels too.

Thanks

Dear Nadia

What kind of friend are you?

"But still, she insists that she’s straight."

Isn't your best friend's word good enough for you?

By all means tell her you care deeply, and that you'll miss her. But from what you say, she has never, ever given a hint that she wants anything other than a great friendship. No means no, regardless of orientation.

Be a friend, show respect for her views - as she has always respected yours.