Husband Is A Secret Drug Addict

Phoebe wrote:

I have been with my husband for five years. We have two young children. I have known that he has had a problem with drinking and pot. He quit drinking a little over a year ago, but continues to do pot. I found out recently that he does cocaine every once in a while (so he says).

He owns a successful construction company, we have a beautiful house, nice cars. Not that its so important, but I don't really see him "high." I'd say maybe 5-10 times I have seen him high. He keeps that life secret. I have asked him to get help, which he agrees to, but never follows through.

I was not raised like this and don't know how to help him. I am not a fan of divorce, but I can't stand the idea that my husband does drugs. Nothing I've tried has worked. I know I can't fix him, so do I stay and hope he changes or leave and hope that it wakes him up.

Please, any advice would help. Thank you.

Dear Phoebe,

You've realised that you cannot fix him - and that's right, you cannot. Only he can. And he cannot without wanting to change - and, even then, he'll need professional help.

You tried to get him to get help, and he's not bothered. And he won't bother until he hits bottom. Because he's a drug addict, and that's how addiction works.

There's no point in staying, hoping he'll change - the only changes he will make are changes for the worse. And that's a guarantee.

Leaving him will save you, and it will save your children. If he truly cares about you, or them, the reality of you leaving may - just may - be the beginning of him realizing what's happening. Because if he really, really cares, that loss will hit him hard.

But don't hold your breath. Just pray. And be ready to help in any way you can EXCEPT taking him back before he's made positive, genuine, real steps forward.

For now, you must prepare for the worst, and put your children first.