I Can't Let Go ...

Quentin wrote:

I went to a private high school for about six months back in the early 1990s with a sweet pretty girl and we were good friends and we spoke frequently. When I decided to leave I wrote her a love letter teling her exactly how I felt. She didn't say anything to me in fact she refused to speak to me, and on the last day she said to me "If you want to run then you run!" I walked away at a complete loss for words because of her anger.

For five years I thought of her and on my return I made sure to look her up. It took me a while to call due to nervousness and when I did (here's where my troubles began) I asked her if she remembered me, she didn't recognize the voice at first but when I told her she clicked onto another line and came straight back. The first thing she asked was where I was and when I was coming down to the city.

I made sure I was there in the space of a week. When we met after five years she stood at the gate and , in my immaturity, offered no hug (mistake #2). we sat and we talked and we agreed to meet for lunch. The lady I was staying with told me I had no future in the place and I'd be better off where I was before. I was hurt enough to pack my bags and leave the next morning (the day of the date). My brother took a call from my friend early that morning and she told him that she was going out and she'd be back about midday. He never told me a thing and I called her home numerous times. I packed and went back to the country (mistake #3). I called her that night and I tried to explain but she wasn't impressed and I promised to make it up to her.

We had kept contact throughout but I pushed too much in terms of calling her too much (mistake #4) . A famous singer came to town and I bought tickets presumptuously. I called her asking what she thought about the singer her response was "I wouldn't go see him even if I was really really bored" So I had to sell the tickets.

Sometime later she agreed to go out with me again and we set a date. I came to town and stayed with someone else. She said she'd call me when we'd go out. I waited almost two weeks before she called and she told me that some other friends came into town and took her out. I felt it was a matter of payback. I vowed to never speak to her again. From there calls became few and far between. Looking back I did ALL of the calling but I didn't pick up on the signs of her disinterest because I was more interested in what I wanted than what she wanted. One night after a very obvious disinterested Miss on the other end was cold I there again decided to end it.

About three years later I called and she seemed happy to hear from me. She was a professional after studing both locally and overseas and I was upgrading myself in town. I dropped by to see her a few times at her workplace and she never refused to see me. One time she asked me how often I came downtown. Maybe it was gauge to see how often my visits downtown coincided with visiting her. (I told her I was there about twice a week which was true) She also me about a reunion the school was having and she took my email and said she'd send me the information. Long after the reunion I visited her and I did ask her about it and she said it was a "flop". Incidentally that was the last time we spoke. It had nothing to do with the reunion I was just tired of her keeping me at arms length. Time passed because after a while I made a conscious effort to not want to see her.

About a year ago I wrote a letter ending our so called friendship. I don't regret it but I tend to find myself thinking about her a lot and where it all went wrong. My co-worker says I've never gotten over her despite how she hurt me. Maybe she's right but I need to let go. But how?

Dear Quentin

Let's start off by being honest, shall we?

She never hurt you - you did it all yourself. the very worst thing she did (and I'm not even sure about that) is allow you to deceive yourself in your rather childish fantasies.

You admit that you did all the calling; you say how she "never refused" to see you - not that she ran down the stairs to welcome you; and you describe a friendship - no more - over which you, a fully grown man, now claim a broken heart and have the raw nerve to balme her for "hurting you".

All this has been you, you, you - because all you care about is you, you, you - You certainly never really cared about her; just your fantasy.

I strongly suggest you seek help, urgebtly, before you lose even more contact with reality. Time to be an adult, and have adult relationships - and you will need help. Get help.