She found my porn
I saw a few related articles on this, but never from the guys point
She found my porn. Rather, I was taking a shower, and she found a
link to a site I joined, and then canceled. She was furious. She stormed
out, and I was left without knowing what she saw. She refused to tell
me, saying it was obvious. I could understand how hurt she was; this
happened at the beginning of our relationship as well, which was about
two years ago. Also, this occured just several days after our two
I never meant to hurt her. She used to work as an editor in porn,
and it turned her sharply against it. She's afraid of me cheating
on her -- when she found the link, she said she couldn't trust me
anymore, and how could she know for sure that this hadn't carried
into real life as well? -- and she's afraid of me not being truthful
with her. To be honest, I lied to her. I told her when she found the
link that I had no idea what she was talking about.
I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to think, ever, that I
desire other women over her, or that our relationship is lacking or
unfulfilling for me. It isn't. I love her very dearly, she is the
most important thing in my life, and even thinking about a life without
her is painful.
Now I don't know what is going to happen. She's incredibly pissed
off at me -- about lying to her, about visiting these sites, and also
of paying for this, when I told her I didn't even have enough money
for a ring, something I've told her I wanted to get her for quite
a while. I want to get her a ring, yet; her mother, who just went
through a divorce from her lying, cheating father, never got an engagement
ring, and I want to do it up properly, with a ring, and a formal "asking."
I love her so much, and I'm so scared this is going to be the end
of our relationship. I don't want to be drawn to porn sites, but I've
got incredibly poor self-control. If I knew of a way to stop looking
at them, completely, I would, but it just seems so easy to do, and
so easy to get away with, that when I'm stressed out, I turn to these
sites as a way of stress-relief.
I'm so scared. I love this girl so much, and I don't want to hurt
her anymore, but I don't want to be without her, either. What do I
tell her, what do I do, to make her realize how sorry I am??
You did the crime, you do the time.
Even if the relationship does not recover, you will have learned
about trust, and perhaps why women resent pornography
I agree she's being a little power crazy over this; not known to
be the best approach in the circumstances. But she's angry. You claim
you love her, and yet you lied to her over a period of two years.
She has a right to be angry, doesn't she?
She's angry, and she doesn't want the same thing in two years time.
If you believe her motivation is to help you, as well as punish you,
and you want the relationship to work, then hang in there, and learn
something. Remember that she is putting work into this too.
If you think this is revenge with no future, then walk away. But
still try to learn about women and abuse.
It may be that with time and your efforts, she may trust you again
- there's no guarantee of that. But It sounds like it's too early
But if you doubt her right to be angry, then you are missing the
point. After the winter break, a one-to-one conversation would be
a good move.
She just needs to know what's number one to you - her or porn. And
so do you.