She found my porn

joblo24 wrote:

I saw a few related articles on this, but never from the guys point of view.

She found my porn. Rather, I was taking a shower, and she found a link to a site I joined, and then canceled. She was furious. She stormed out, and I was left without knowing what she saw. She refused to tell me, saying it was obvious. I could understand how hurt she was; this happened at the beginning of our relationship as well, which was about two years ago. Also, this occured just several days after our two year anniversery.

I never meant to hurt her. She used to work as an editor in porn, and it turned her sharply against it. She's afraid of me cheating on her -- when she found the link, she said she couldn't trust me anymore, and how could she know for sure that this hadn't carried into real life as well? -- and she's afraid of me not being truthful with her. To be honest, I lied to her. I told her when she found the link that I had no idea what she was talking about.

I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to think, ever, that I desire other women over her, or that our relationship is lacking or unfulfilling for me. It isn't. I love her very dearly, she is the most important thing in my life, and even thinking about a life without her is painful.

Now I don't know what is going to happen. She's incredibly pissed off at me -- about lying to her, about visiting these sites, and also of paying for this, when I told her I didn't even have enough money for a ring, something I've told her I wanted to get her for quite a while. I want to get her a ring, yet; her mother, who just went through a divorce from her lying, cheating father, never got an engagement ring, and I want to do it up properly, with a ring, and a formal "asking."

I love her so much, and I'm so scared this is going to be the end of our relationship. I don't want to be drawn to porn sites, but I've got incredibly poor self-control. If I knew of a way to stop looking at them, completely, I would, but it just seems so easy to do, and so easy to get away with, that when I'm stressed out, I turn to these sites as a way of stress-relief.

I'm so scared. I love this girl so much, and I don't want to hurt her anymore, but I don't want to be without her, either. What do I tell her, what do I do, to make her realize how sorry I am??

Dear joblo24

You did the crime, you do the time.

Even if the relationship does not recover, you will have learned about trust, and perhaps why women resent pornography

I agree she's being a little power crazy over this; not known to be the best approach in the circumstances. But she's angry. You claim you love her, and yet you lied to her over a period of two years. She has a right to be angry, doesn't she?

She's angry, and she doesn't want the same thing in two years time.

If you believe her motivation is to help you, as well as punish you, and you want the relationship to work, then hang in there, and learn something. Remember that she is putting work into this too.

If you think this is revenge with no future, then walk away. But still try to learn about women and abuse.

It may be that with time and your efforts, she may trust you again - there's no guarantee of that. But It sounds like it's too early to tell.

But if you doubt her right to be angry, then you are missing the point. After the winter break, a one-to-one conversation would be a good move.

She just needs to know what's number one to you - her or porn. And so do you.