Should I Have That Baby?

Nora wrote:

Well I have been with my man for four going on five years. He has always taken care of me and treated me with the most upright respect and I him.

Last year I was informed I have cervical cancer, and that the chances of us having children is almost non-existent. Although God works in mysterious ways. So he has been talking about trying to have a baby a lot lately, and I'm fine with that it's just I'm scared of trying for no reason.

For the first two years of our relationship he talked of marrying me all the time, now when we talk of it he say's he's still waiting for the right time to ask.

I am growing impatient. I know I should respect the fact that he is waiting for the perfect time. I just wonder when that is?

I'm so afraid that my cancer will get worse and could possibly be fatal as time goes by because I've had it for three years already and so it makes me want to get married and have a child to carry out another generation. Is that so wrong? I love him so much, and I know he loves me just the same.

Please help me

Dear Nora

There are several isssues here, and while they do overlap, it is vital that you do not confuse them.

First, you have cancer. You do not say how serious it is at this time, nor what you are doing about treatment. Neither do you say how your boyfriend feels about this.

Second, you want to be married, and are frightened that your boyfriend, who has been less than enthusiastic, has been further scared by the cancer issue.

Third, you say you want a baby, but you are not sure if this is to please the boyfriend and engineer a marriage, or as a revenge against the cancer.

This is a bad time for you, and - as you know - I cannot give you an easy way out, there just isn't one. But there are things you can do. It is always important to be in control of your life - and your destiny, now more than ever.

First, the doubt about the cancer needs sorting. Get the best advice, get the best treatment, and go for it.

Second, your boyfriend is a coward, and you really don't need a wimpy idiot around you just now. There is never a 'right time' to ask someone to marry you, and discussing a 'right time' but not discussing marriage is a coward's way of saying "I do not want to marry you".

To be fair, he probably never wanted to marry you (Don't be hurt - and you are not surpised - a lot of blokes are like that. It happens), but now he feels trapped by your cancer, as he does not want people to think he's abandoned you at this time.

None of that matters now; get rid of him. By all means have that 'ultimatum' conversation, but, frankly, I'd not bother. Get rid, there's plenty of better men around.

All this means no baby at the moment; but unless you were desperate to have one (and I don't think you were), that's for the best. Pregnancy and cancer treatment do not go well together; you may not be able to conceive, as you said, and having a baby is a poor way to keep a bad man, and really is not a way to 'beat cancer'.

To summarise, at this time in your life, you need people around you who care, and do not radiate fear. You need clarity and simplicity and strength.

Go for it - and take my best wishes with you.