In Love With Ex's Friend

Karilyn wrote:

My Ex and I went out for two years. Near the end of our relationship, I got very close to his best friend. Although this was not the reason why I decided to break up with my ex, he thought it was and never talked to his best friend since.

After the broke up, his best friend and I have developed our friendship into a very serious relationship. We both share a connection we have never experienced before. We do all the couple things sneakily, at non-public places. What kills me is that we can't be together because he is afraid of losing all the other friends whom we hang out with (also my ex's close friends.)

No one knows about our relationship and thinks we are just very close friends. He thinks what we are doing now (behind everyone's back) is not acceptable. We talked about being the closest friends for as long as we can (since we can't have the relationship we want.) But it is very difficult especially when I know I will have to let go of him one day.

The special case about our relationship is that before we got ourselves into this relationship, he was checking out this girl and now still hangs out and flirts with her. He told me that I am one of the biggest reasons that he is still not pursueing her (even when all our friends are trying to help and push him towards her.)

Maybe its because he accepts the fact that its impossible for us to be together that he still keeps her around, but my jealousy grows stronger and stronger because I know I "can't" have him. I know he wants this relationship as much as I do but he fears of the consequences to follow.

How can we get around this?

Dear Karilyn

Hindsight is a dreadful thing; but if you'd both been open and honest in the beginning, whatever fuss there was would have long ago died away.

Now, he is living in fear and you daren't rock the boat - though I suspect you'd rather stand up and face the music than he would.

But as time passes, it does get more difficult; the deception has gone on for so long that you'd lose the trust of everyone you've lied to - which is pretty near everone you know, I guess.

The choices are horribly simple - be honest, or split up or leave town and start again elsewhere.

You never mentioned leaving town, so I'm sure that's not a real option. Of the others, neither will be easy - and both will be tougher, the longer you leave it.

Your call.