This Story Will Knock Your Socks Off
I've searched everywhere on the net for advice, but haven't found
any situation as unique as mine...I'm honestly at the end of my rope
and need an outside perspective of things.
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. I want to eventually
get married, but the thought of being part of his family makes me
ill. They have "emergencies" every other week, and they
are taking a huge toll on our relationship. We moved to the same city
where the brothers, mother and step-father live two years ago. It
has been nothing but problems ever since!
He has one single brother who lives with his friend at his friend's
mother's house. This woman buys almost everything thing for him and
he has hardly any bills. About once a year, he relapses in cocaine
addiction and disappears ... this year he was gone for two weeks straight
and also off and on a day at a time for a few months. Every time he
disappears it is a family emergency. We literally had to drive around
with his mother to crack houses and hotels searching for him. Two
months ago he was in jail. He called OUR house collect literally every
15-20 minutes, demanding that my boyfriend do anything and everything
to get him out. His mother ended up giving in and bailing him out.
My boyfriend and I argue about this every time his brother ends up
in a new mess. I believe that because his family keeps helping him
out of these situations, he will never learn to deal with them himself
and they are just enabling him because he knows he will always have
them to bail him out of trouble. Okay, that's brother number one!
Brother number two is married with two children. This brother and
his wife have monthly emergencies. They are both on drugs ... pills
and pot. They have moved three times and lived in hotels three times
in the past two years because they don't pay their bills and end up
getting evicted everywhere they go. The first year we were here they
asked if their kids could stay with us for a weekend while they stayed
in a hotel and looked for a place to live. Well the weekend ended
and our garage became their storage, and the mother, father, two kids,
pit bull, cat, python and fish moved in for a month in our small two-bedroom,
1 bath house. And we already have two dogs and two cats!
They ran up all of our bills, used everything I had (soap, laundry
detergent,hair products), ate anything we put in the cupboards, and
even went through my things! (I found one of my necklaces on the kitchen
floor and no one would own up to rifling through my things that were
in MY BEDROOM!) I literally sat on the front patio of our house the
entire month after work until it was time to go to bed because I couldn't
stand to be inside. Now every month they have something being turned
off ... the electric ... the water, etc ... and we always have to
take their kids on short notice when this happens.
They pawned their daughter's birthday presents, and told her it was
because she didn't clean her room. The boy knows his parents do drugs,
and now smokes pot himself, which either the parents don't realize
or don't acknowledge because they are drug addicts themselves. The
wife and brother are oh-so-sweet to my face when they need something,
but the unwitting girl old tells me the things they say about me behind
my back. They don't like me because I put my foot down and actually
said no one time when they wanted us to take their kids because their
water was shut off. (My saying no caused a HUGE family uproar.) Oh,
and BTW, my boyfriend's other brother and mother both refuse to help
I sat the boy down and told him I knew about his drug use, and used
his parents as the example of the road where that would take him.
I am constantly explaining to the girl how terrible drugs are and
would ruin her life, and try to encourage her to do her best in school.
I offered to take her to the library with me last year, and her father
right in front of me told her that the library wasn't for kids, but
only for college students. He also told her if she wanted to go to
college that she'd have to join the military! I made sure to make
it VERY clear to her that it simply was not true.
[ and there was more .. ]
My boyfriend and I can't even discuss this situation anymore. He
thinks he should do whatever it takes to help his family, time and
time again, and when I voice my concern for the children he tells
me it is none of my business.
I'm at my wit's end. Now I'm trying to convince him to move to another
state just so I can get away from these people. He's slowly starting
to open his eyes to the situation ... they always asked to borrow
my car when we first moved here for long drives and we let them, but
the ONE time we needed to borrow their car, they said no without even
blinking an eye! And now we have the EXACT same SUV, but they always
ask to borrow our car when they need to haul or move anything. My
boyfriend finally acknowledges at least that it is wrong and said
no ... for once ...
Am I wrong for thinking that he needs to stop bailing these people
out of messes, and what can I do for these poor kids?
Yes, the details are unique - but the picture you paint is horribly
familiar, and I'm sure many people will know exactly what you are
Thanks for the detail, which does help, and I apologise for this
brief reply, but I really think you already knew it.
"Love Him, Accept His Family" - His family is part of who
he is; if he was going to leave them, he'd have done so, and that
has to be his decision. In one sense, he's right - it is only your
business because you have made it so. Sorry.
But the real tragedy is, nothing is going to change. This is his
family, probably always was, almost certainly always will be. And
he is as much part of them as they are of him.
You won't change them, and you'll go mad trying.
You could force him to choose (It's Them Or Me"), but that would
be pretty pointless; if he chose them you'd look silly, if he chose
you ... then backslid, you'd also look silly.
And forcing him to choose is simply not fair; he's as entitled to
his family as you are to yours (even if yours are perfect!).
I suspect that sooner or later, you are going to have to decide for
yourself - you can live with them without cracking for 70 years. Or