Was Dumping Him A Mistake?

Zendra wrote:

I've stopped seeing a guy I had been 'dating' for a while and ever since I've wondered if I made the right decision. I need some advice as to whether to forget about it and move on or to go back for more! Here's some background info for you:

A good work buddy of mine introduced us at her birthday party before christmas. He had moved in with her and her boyfriend several months earlier but for some reason we had not crossed paths before. He was on a holiday visa here and leaving in the next month. Anyway, we hit it off straight away, he had me in stitches - something most people can't do as I have a pretty sarcastic sense of humour! We went back to my friends house for drinks with others from the party, one thing led to another and before I knew it, about four of us were down at the beach. I decided I wanted to go midnight swimming (as you do..) and he came in with me. We got completely pounded by the waves, he nearly broke his neck and sooner or later we were kissing. I don't normally take guys home but I liked this one so I invited him over for what I thought would be some action....

Unfortunately my guy had a little trouble downstairs so nothing happened but we stayed up the whole night kissing etc and in the morning (well, afternoon..) I dropped him home and he said he would ask my friend for my number and call me. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea, sometimes one nighters are better left at that, especially if they are leaving the country and their performance may not improve between now and then, but I said ok.

So the next day I get a text message from him saying 'I know you are a busy girl but if you would like to go out some time let me know and we'll sort something out'. I waited the obligatory couple of hours before responding, ok how bout sunday night. So we agree to meet up sunday and he sends a couple messages during the week to confirm. I arrive at his house sunday night to find he is just waking up..he'd been out partying all night, felt like shit and couldn't quite bring himself to shower before I walked in the door..

At this point, I'm feeling like this was a very bad idea but he insists we go for a drink so we do..we're out for about half an hour before he suggests going back to his house to watch tv, i say i'll pass on that thanks and head for a cab. Now this should be the end of the story but its not..for some reason this guy is insistent on making this 'date' work so he tells me he's sorry and he'll call me tomorrow etc then messages as i'm heading home apologising again.

In the morning he messages asking me to the beach. I'm busy as most people are on monday morning(!) so I tell him maybe we can meet up later at my house. He suggests a video, brings one over, and everything goes well. He ends up staying over..sorts out his performance issues and the next morning he says 'I'll see you soon'.

Sure enough, later that week he calls to ask what i'm up to on the weekend and we arrange to meet. Again all goes well...i get the 'I'll see you soon' again of course but am starting to think there may be something there, at least a good booty call if nothing else. Later in the week I test out this booty call theory unwittingly...i'd been for a couple drinks with mates and got home feeling a bit 'lonely' so text him to see what he's doing..he's at home watching tv, I ask him over and he says NO!! i'm extremely embarassed so decide never to call him again of course. This lasts until the weekend when texts saying he's taking a day off work and I should come over after work so we can have a 'lay in'. I figure I have to save some pride so decline but suggest doing something the following night.

So the next night I go to his house for dinner, there are a few people over, everyone is chatty and friendly but he is like a zombie. Says barely two words to me until everyone has left at which point he tells me to come and sit next to him. Now i'm feeling like an idiot again so decide to get out of there, he somehow catches onto the fact that he's done something wrong and suggests we go to a movie later in the week. Now, I'm sorry anon this is sounding like a teenage love disaster and you are probably wondering why I was bothering at this point but basically I never meet guys I like and I did like this one so I agreed to go the movies.

He texts the next day apologizing for acting so 'spaced out' and suggests the movie again. I agree to meet at my house the next day, we never make it to the movie but that was fine with me:) Again we hit it off, he tells me he has decided to stay another 3 months, we have pretty much the best sex I've ever had..once more I get the 'I'll see you soon'..

Now at this point my friend (who lives with him) is wondering what is going on so takes it upon herself to interrogate this poor guy one night after a few beers as to what his intentions are with me...he tells her he thinks I am a 'really lovely girl' but he can't let himself get involved with anyone because he has to leave the country. She of course tells me, I'm not bothered as I knew from the beginning it was a holiday thing so I ask him to a bbq later in the week. He declines. He suggests meeting up another night, I say ok, he calls me that day to confirm but then falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3 in the morning!! He TEXTS (not calls) me the next day to say he is sorry. I decide it's time to pull the plug, its been fun etc and leave it at that.

Unfortunately I couldn't simply avoid this guy as he lived with a good mate so sure enough the following weekend he is at a party I'm at. He tells me he's 'missed me', grovels a little and I caved in, did I mention I really liked this guy for some reason?? anyway, from there things got a lot better...we had a stream of really good dates, followed by fantastic sex, sometimes in exotic locations and I start to wonder again if there might be something there...he's no longer saying 'I'll see you soon', he's actually calling when he says he will and he seems genuinely interested in getting to know me...

So xmas and new year go by, we'd sort of arranged to meet at this place with mutual friends, he doesn't show up as he has no money for a ticket and for some reason, I freak out because he didn't call and tell me..I call him and act like a bitch, then back door him at the after party then feel really ashamed of my behaviour the next day and message him apologising. He seems ok with it but he doesn't call me that week. We see each other the following weekend, again with mutual friends and as soon as I arrive he starts acting like a jerk chatting up girls etc. I realise this is probably finished, was fun while it lasted etc, am about to leave with some remnants of pride and he comes after me asking if I think he's a complete jerk.

Now this is probably when I should have piped up with something like, 'well I acted like an idiot but you are acting like a bigger one..this is a casual thing, fine, up to you if you want to meet other girls but is it necessary for you to do it while i'm standing ten metres away and all our friends are watching?'. I didn't say this however, instead I said "If you want to finish this it's fine, no hard feelings", he says he doesn't and we end up back at my house again...

So the next morning I'm not sure what the hell is going on, by this time I obviously have some feelings for this guy, I have no idea how he feels about me and I didn't really know what to do so I act a bit aloof when he asks what I'm doing that night and I take off without saying good bye. Later in the week I feel bad, I text him to see what he's up to and he doesn't respond.

We see each other at a party the next week and I completely ignore him as by this point I have convinced myself he has no feelings whatsoever for me etc and I have made an idiot of myself. He tries to talk to me and I tell him I don't want to talk to him. He walks away, sulks for a while then goes home, I get extremely drunk to drown my sorrows.

So from there things pretty much went down hill. I saw him a bit as we have friends in common but every time it was pretty uncomfortable. Basically I never offered any apologies or signs of friendship and neither did he, though to be fair he probably tried a bit harder than I did. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with him again, for some reason I just convinced myself he had 'used' me, even though we both knew from the beginning it couldn't be anything serious, and made it pretty difficult for him to approach me. He wasn't with anyone else (and neither was I) for ages but I recently found out that he has started seeing someone else. He's also had his visa extended and this new girlfriend may be able to get him sponsorship apparently! I've met her and she's nice enough but they don't seem that into each other and I think it is just a casual thing, probably much like my relationship with him!!

Anyway anon, here is the advice I need. I am in my late twenties, have had a couple of relationships but never really fell in love before this guy came along. I'm not a very easy person to get to know, even my best friends tell me this but I had no trouble with this guy. Despite the disastrous dating history, we really got along. I've never felt as comfortable with anyone else and quite honestly, never been as happy as I was in the time I was with him. I don't regularly meet guys I'm willing to sleep with let alone date so the fact that I let this one go without really knowing how he felt about me really bugs me! I guess I'm hoping it will seem obvious to an outsider either way and that you will give me a definitive yes or no - should I try to get him back (despite the new girlfriend, who, incidentally, has slept with alot of our friends..just had to add that!) or should I forget about it and move on?

Sorry this is so long, i'll understand if you don't post the whole thing! or not at all, but please provide me with some advice as I have played this whole thing out as an ice queen with my friends so can't really tell anyone how i actually feel, which is heartbroken (i think..it feels like shit, whatever it is)
thanks

Dear Zendra

Of course you were right to dump him; he never respected you, he had no long term interest in you (or anyone else except himself), and frankly I'm surprised he has any friends at all in this day and age. he's a sad apology for a man. But, as you well know, these dinosaurs survive because people feed their egos. Don't they?

But forget him; he was a waste of space, and not very interesting, either.

I think this is really about you.

For some reason, you 'adopted' him as challenge; maybe his initial charm and sense of humour, maybe his initial 'failure' attracted you, I don't know (might be worth thinking about that, though).

Despite the fact that he rapidly proved to be a selfish git, you persevered - you were not going to give up so easily, you'd 'tame ' him.

Suppose you had? You'd have got bored pretty quickly, wouldn't you?

But you didn't; whatever you did, made no difference. you got more and more desperate, playing sillier and sillier mind games. By now, it wasn't a matter of controlling him, but stopping him controling you. And you couldn't even do that!

No wonder you felt so bad.

There really is no future in trying to make fantasies happen. Build friendship first, and then together you can go where the relationship needs to go.

What stands out in your story, is that at no point could you ever use the word we - you never had a real relationship, just a duel with a man who got under your defences.

And you lost. Lucky you!