Stood up in Detroit

Stood up in Detroit wrote:

Just wanted to hear some advice that wasn't subjective.

I used to date this guy awhile ago and we both weren't ready for something serious, so eventually we drifted apart. While we dated he was never the type to not come through or be late when we had plans.

I recently bumped into him at a party and we exchanged numbers. He called me about two weeks ago and invited me to Miami. I turned it down because I already had plans to go to Chicago that weekend.

That weekend he called me again and told me that he would love for me to join him and if I could cancel my Chicago trip. He even offered to pay for my friend's ticket who I was going to Chicago with. When I got back from Chicago we played phone tag for a while and then we were finally able to go on a date.

During our date, he informed me that he would be traveling to Toronto this weekend and would I like to come. I accepted. This was on Monday and I hadn't heard from him so I called him yesterday (Thursday) and asked him were we still going. He assured me that he still wanted me to go and that it was going to be business but that we would have a good time, blah blah blah. I told him that if plans had changed I was fine with that but just wanted to know should I change some plans I had for Saturday.

He kept saying nothing had changed and that we were leaving on Friday. I knew something was up because he never told me what time we were leaving and what hotel we were staying in. My guess is that some time during the week he asked someone else or just doesn't want to be bothered anymore. We didn't have sex on our date (though we have three years ago) and he didn't really try anything besides a kiss, so it isn't a case of hit it and quit it. What really gets me is that he kept telling me how sexy I was and asked me about two or three times was I going to Toronto with him.

Now he stands me up. I don't get it. I basically figured out by myself what happened so I guess I don't really need any advice except to ask how to deal with this feeling of rejection.

Thanks for listening if you read this whole thing.

Dear Stood up in Detroit

Interesting situation. Two possibilities come to mind.

First, with the history you have, he may have been playing a little game to get you to 'prove' that you were interested; when you wouldn't rebuild your life around his invitation, his hopes - and interest - fell away.

Much more likely, I suspect, is that this 'chance' meeting allowed him to think he could use you. He may be married - he certainly has a life and other commitments - and his selfish game could only work if you would be the Woman of His Convenience.

Offering money, I suggest, is a clue!

When you showed that you were not quite ready to be used that easily, he founder a softer option.

Either way, you really don't need him, do you? I suspect the pain is as much the closing of an old dream (What Might Have Been!), as losing someone you no longer know at all.