Basketcase husband addicted to porn and computer games and I don't
know what to do?
A Lost Soul wrote:
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. I married
him because I fell head over heels, but we also did have our son right
away. I have an high-functioning autistic 6 year old.
I never dated anyone seriously but my husband. I was only 19, but
extremely mature. My husband was so romantic and everything I wanted
before our son and then in our second year together everything changed.
He played computer games constantly. He became constantly moody and
he went away to sea for a few years for work(3 to 6 months at a time).
I became very depressed being alone.
We even got pregnant again by accident and because he decided we
couldn't afford it or deal while he was finishing school, I had an
abortion which was against everything I believe. Even my first son
had no prenatal care because he was so scared of telling his father.
He does seem to love our son, but he is so self-absorbed that he is
barely here mentally.
I know he loved me before we accidently got pregnant, but I am starting
to wonder if he really can even love. It is like he has no ability
to put anyone but himself first.
So, I have stuck it out all these years thinking each time it will
get better with the new job or the new move. It was two years ago
that I found out that our entire relationship my husband had lied
to me about his sexual addiction to porn. After firmly denying it,
he then he claimed it had just started and it was casual. Then I caught
him again a two months later and the truth finally came out. He had
been using it since 12 years and he had done it ever chance he could(even
while I slept in the same room!). He had fantasies of wanting multiple
partners and black partners. He wanted to see me being taken by other
He actually asked me when I found out if I would be willing to do
these things! I was in shock. I tried so hard and I was so supportive,
but I would not do those thing even if there was no diseases. However,
from the beginning I was willing to do anything together and I was
always up for pleasing him. When I found out all of this all I could
think was all those times at sea and in ports he probably had cheated
on me. One night he even said something about some girls perfect breasts
to touch in the 1st person and then proceeded to proclaim he was talking
about what his friend said who went up to the hotel with the girls
they had been hanging with.
I know he had slept with a prostitute in a foreign country before
I met him. If only I had known it before I feel in love I would have
run the other way! I am so terrified he is lying about other things
and I have no way of knowing. I also found porn stashed on the computer
at the time and it was a very poor image movie with a man that looked
so much like him in what looked like a ship cabin! He professed it
was not him also. How do I know that I am not at risk for diseases?
How can I ask him about cheating that might make him tell me the truth?
I wish there was a truth serum women could slip a guy!
We went to counseling and I thought we had worked things out. I would
have left him if it weren't for my son being around and then made
him work his way back to me trusting him. But instead, things went
on and he quit counseling with multiple excuses. To make matters worse,
he had HPV(genital wart) I found out after we had been together a
while(I was a virgin). He has never finished treating his problem
and obviously does not care about the health issue for me. Doesn't
this mean he doesn't really love me? How can he be so casual?
Before I told him I would not put my wedding band back on until he
did with meaning. He never did. Two years and he never made any attempt.
I just kept blaming it on how busy we were with jobs and moving. Now,
here we are in a new home again and I just found out he has been at
it. It has been almost two years since I found out. The most ironic
part of this is I told him last time I would leave if he lied to me
again. When I first met him, I told him my parents divorced because
of my dad's porn issues. He told me he never had done it extreme.
What an idiot I was! The real problem is the lying. I have caught
him in other little white lies before and now that he has lied to
me again, I just don't know what to do. If I didn't have my son I
would be out the door crying all the way, but I am so terrified for
him. My little guy has been crying for no reason already. He knows
something is wrong even though daddy is still in the house downstairs
and we are being civil. I feel like I am failing my son.
Even beyond the lying though, my husband isn't here! I mean for all
these years he has been mentally inaccessible for 3/4 of the time.
And the rest is split between angry bursts and a few fleeting happy
moments. I have felt trapped and oppressed my whole marriage. I don't
do anything I want because he doesn't want to do things ever. I have
let his demands and wants even cause me to neglect my son who I love
so dearly. I am always trying to make him happy. I feel like my life
has just been drained away. I am 27 and I have a disabled child. How
can I ever find a healthy relationship again? How can I ever trust
again? Who the heck will want to date me?
Now I am terrified because I know I need to do something. I can't
go on being so miserable. My health and sanity has suffered for these
7years. I love him so much, but I don't know how to love him and care
for my son and myself. I can't keep giving him everything. And I feel
so guilty leaving him. I had so much hope for what could have been.
I also have no college degree and my family does not support me in
anyway. Oh God! I am crying again. IT hurts so much. And I don't know
how to not let him make me pity him back into my life. He is very
manipulative sometimes. Am I doing the right thing? Should I stay
and hope that counseling will work again? I feel like my whole world
has been shattered all over again now that I realize there is truly
a chance things will never get better. I don't want to keep hurting.
I told him he has to earn my trust back just like a stranger would
after he gets help. I want to go all the way and just get a damn divorce
to prove my point. Without battles is it very expensive? I want to
be free of all this. I want to just live my life for once without
constant thought for what he wants. Please tell me your honest thoughts
about this. What should I do? I am so lost and confused. All I know
is I am scared... I am scared to stay and scared to move on. Thank
you for your thoughts.
Dear Lost Soul
Leave him. You have the rest of your life to find out why you think
you love this a**hole. But no time to protect your child. Put the
child first; get help. Leave the SOB.
Then - and only then - think about counselling.