I can't get my man to marry me

Vee wrote:

Ok, here’s my story. I was dating a man for 2 ½ years. The first year was wonderful as were the others but, he stopped talking about a certain subject. When we were first together we talked about getting married. Nothing definite just talked about it. I wasn’t in a hurry but, I did want to get married again sometime. He knew this and he agreed that someday we would get married. But, like I stated he quit talking about it.

It’s not like it was the subject of every conversation or anything like that. I think he became afraid of marriage because of his past. He was married for 17 years and felt he was betrayed and hurt by the divorce. Anyway, when I would bring up the subject he would always tell me that he didn’t see us in a long term relationship.

This hurt me very much because in my mind we were in a long term relationship already. So, this went on for about the last year of our relationship. Then last July 2004 I finally gave up. I threw everything I had on the table with him. I stated that I didn’t think we were moving forward, we were doing less things together and I don’t know what else to do because he wouldn’t talk to me about his feelings. So, he broke up with me.

I was really, really upset. Yet we did get together about 3 times until September 2004. We had an incredible evening together and I don’t think I have to spell it out here. Anyway, in the morning, I asked him “are we dating or what?” his response was “I wouldn’t say were dating”. Well, long story short, I made up my mind that morning that that was it for me. I couldn’t take anymore.

So, jump up to November and I met somebody new. We were having fun and getting to know each other. Well around the new year, the ex boyfriend contacts me and wants to talk. Say’s he’s been thinking about a lot of things and realized he made mistakes. I was shocked. This sent me into turmoil because I didn’t know what to do. I ended up keeping both men at bay for about five months. I know this is crazy but, I really didn’t know what to do.

I loved the ex but, was afraid of getting hurt again and the new guy, I felt really bad because he was trying so hard to keep things together. I finally started going to a counselor to help me clear my mind and that I did. I came to realize that I really do love the ex and want to work things out with him.

As it turns out, from the last time I talked to him which he said he had to move on because he was an emotional wreck, which was about 10 days before things became clear to me. He met somebody else. It’s now been about a month and he told me that he’s in a committed relationship and that he loves her already. Which I can’t blame him after feeling like he’s been stomped on and pushed away for five months.

Now I don’t know what to do. Do you think there’s still a chance for us? He had stated in the past months that I was his true love, the one for life, the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That is the reason why I’m writing you. How do you turn all that off in 10 tens? Enough for now. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I’m really curious about somebody else’s opinion.

Dear Vee

Trouble is, you don't listen. You make up your mind about what you want - which seems to be marriage - and you just don't hear anyone else's view. I'm guessing you'll keep asking the same question until someone backs up your pre-set ideas.

So I cannot help you. You trash all your relationships, the minute they stop moving toward the aisle. It's a shame; there's more in life - just look what you've thrown away!

My advice is simply slow down. Don't be frightened of being alone; don't be frightened of a great relationship that isn't going to end in marriage. If you cannot shift marriage from your target list, then have the courage - and the sense - to walk away from relationships that are not going there.

No man will be forced into marriage (especially after a failed one), and the harder you push, the less likely it is to happen. Instead of trying to twist relationships your way, learn to read them, and if they don't cut it, move on.