Boyfriend prefers prostitutes

Danielle wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. Everything was perfect when we first met. He treats me in a very gentle way and gives me a lot attention.

We split up about six months ago, because I caught him go prostitutes. He had a short marriage five years ago. His ex-wife had an affair with his boss and that made him lost his job, his house and other properties. He had been alone for five years since. He said behind his mind, he thought I would hurt him sooner or later.

After about one month’s heavy negotiation, I forg ave him. We reconciled. We become really serious on our relationship. We have been talking about buying a house and having a baby and stuff. He tells me that he wants a home with me.

But every time I mention his previous behavior, he becomes very angry. He wants me to shut up on this issue. About a few weeks ago, I accidentally found his secret e-mail address where stores transactions on web pornography and three different online escort agency accounts. They were signed up after we reconciled.

I am devastated, though there were no transactions or booking requests made in those escort accounts. I told him that I know he has been to escorts web sites. He denied and said those addresses I saw in the cache were just web page pop-ups. I didn’t tell him that I have been to his secret e-mail address, because I know that would make him really angry and we would end up breaking up again.

I really love this man and want to be with him. I keep on telling myself that he is not going to meet prostitutes again. All he did was just for exciting himself. But my rational side tells me that he doesn’t deserve my trust and sooner or later he will do it again. I am really confused. Please help.

Dear Danielle,

You have reason not to trust him, it seems - people who look for trouble always find it - and he has reason not to trust you; you reconcile, but never let him forget - will that continue for 40 years?

You spy on him and search his private places - you are not married yet, and have no right.

You say you love him? I'm not convinced. I'm not sure why you are with him at all.

You both have serious issues that will not go away; he may need help moving on from prostitutes; help that you cannot give him, because you are way too judgemental. You may need help with your trust issues; no-one but a fool would marry a woman who sneaks around and punishes them forever, even when an issue is reconciled.

Think carefully, now; do you want to carry on with this relationship, even if it means stopping snooping, or do you want out? If you want to continue, then talk to him about counselling - maybe jointly, maybe together. But these issues will not resolve on their own, will they?