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He's Divorced, But Not Quite

Hentietta wrote:

I am dating a 34 yr old divorced man. He has a child and has been divorced since Jan of last year. I am a jealous person and have a hard time understanding the relationship between him and his ex-wife. They do have a child in common which I get along with great. She is going to turn 4 yrs old now in July.

I have a problem with the fact that it seems as if though I am in a three some the ex does not want me around the child and has made it very clear there is no reason for this other than I am dating her ex husband. In addition she has a live in boyfriend and asks to borrow money from my boyfriend. She borrowed some money off of a credit card $6000 to be exact.

She is always involved in his life whether it be because of his family which both of their families are from a foreign country Cuba. She has known him for 14 yrs and the families know each other as well. I don't know why she has to act as if though she were the only woman in his life.

I am also very insecure which I know is an issue that I have to deal with. I blame him more than I do her because I know that everything that happens he allows. He doesn't really ever call her but she occasionally calls him just to chit chat. He makes it short and sweet.

At one point, she withheld the child for two months saying that he chose me over her and therefore doesn't deserve to have her at all. On father's day she didn't want him to have the child saying that the day before father's day a year earlier he got home late.

Yet, on mother's day she gave him the child the past two years so she could go eat with her husband. Every time she wants to do something at the last minute he agrees to take care of the child. I do not say a thing about this because that is his child and is a priority.

What I have a problem with is the fact that I think they are too close she did his taxes this year she offers to pay bills for him as if though he were single. Like I said I pay most his bills with his money.

Can you give me any advice or give me your perspective on this.

I am 26 yrs old have no children and am not divorced. I am confused at this point. I don't think he loves her because he never did go back to his home even before the divorce but I really don't know how I should act or even what I should do. He never goes to her house or anything like that. It just seems as if she always tries to put herself in the place of his girlfriend. She is still living with her boyfriend which she gets offended if you call him that and says that it is her husband.

She even admits that the only reason she doesn't want me around the kid is because it is an obsession of hers. She used to insult me calling me all kinds of names before and when my boyfriend would try to argue she would threaten him with not seeing his child.

I have doubts and am totally confused.

Him and I spend a lot of time together and sometimes I feel as if though I push him a little too hard on the subject. She has now started telling the child to call him to find out where he is to then tell the child to ask him to go pick her up. I just find it so unhealthy for the child and for everyone involved. Sometimes I think she wants him back but close friends have told me that all it is a convenience. Sometimes I don't understand why he puts up with things. do you think he loves her or that he loves him?

Dear Henrietta

I'm not surprised you are confused, I would be too; but I don't think you are getting the point of what's going on. It doesn't really matter if he still has feelings for her, or she does for him, or it's convenience, or it's all about money, or it's about the child. It really doesn't matter.

The point is, they do have some kind of relationship - and they always will. And nothing you can say or do will change anything.

Why am so sure? Because if anything was going to change, it would have changed when your relationship with this guy started. Nothing changed then, why would it now?

You need to ask yourself a few questions;

  • What are you doing with this man?
  • Can you live like this for the next 20 years?
  • How did you ever get into this mess?

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