I can't trust him

Natalie wrote:

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Last year I found emails on his computer (that he let me use) from a girl in another state.

Their relationship started as a friendship, he went to school with her older sister. I do not mind him talking to her, but the emails contained some rather alarming vocabulary and were of a somewhat sexual nature.

Comments like her coming across state line for naughty sex and other indecencies. I also found his cell phone bill, on which I found 3 calls to her that lasted for hours (he is not a phone talker). He even invited her to stay at his apartment one weekend, while he stayed at my place, and never told me. The emails stated that he was trying to hook her up with one of his friends.

I confronted him about the emails. He claimed he was joking with her, he never meant what he said, that he would never cheat on me and that he did not talk to her anymore. I know I cannot tell him who he can talk to, but after seeing the nature of the emails I told him not to be in contact with her. This should have been no problem considering he claimed he doesn’t talk with her.

We now live together and I believe he is still talking with her. He is
always online (he writes website content), but when ever I am gone he goes on aol. He even blocked me on his buddy list so I can not see when he is online. He blocked me because I threw a fit about him being on aol. I have seen his buddy list; there are only a few people on it, all of which are my friends too. I want to believe that he is telling the truth, that he is not talking with her, but I just have a sinking feeling in my gut. He claims he can talk to whom ever he wants, its not cheating, and little things like that should not bother me.

I know he loves me and as silly as this sounds I know that he would not physically cheat on me. What bothers me is that he lied to me, and is still hiding things from me (mostly because I always yell at him).

I have a lot of trust issues. He always erases the history on his computer, because I am sure he looks at porn when I am not there and he knows it bothers me. This I can deal with, but the fact that he may be still talking with this other girl is not acceptable.

I don’t know if I am being paranoid or not, but when he blocks me from his aol and keeps things from me how can I not think the worst?

Dear Natalie

You can't trust him, and you never will. I see no chance the relationship will ever recover. Leave him now. I'm serious.

Now, as it happens, I'm not entirely sure how much of this is him, and how much is your problem with trust. Either way, it's gone way to far now; he avoids the issue rather than dealing with it, you snoop around and cross examine him rather than face the issues.

I never heard of a relationship that could survive such shenanigans.

If you have trust issues, you need to sort them before you move in with someone; you certainly need to consider getting help with the issue - but it may be that you just need to choose your partners more carefully. You alone can decide, but decide you must.