Divorced and Backing Off
I am dating a man whom has been divorced for seven months now and we
have been dating for a year.
We got together right after his separation and we have had a great relationship.
We never had fights, we always talked them over before they got out of
Now, we have lived together for five months and he has decided that he
does not want to be in a relationship that he needs time. He said that
he has so much going on that he does not know what to do and what is going
on with him.
He gave me a promise ring right after the divorce and then a couple months
ago for Christmas his oldest daughter and him went a bought me a beautiful
Christmas present. Well, he let her give it to me and she said it was
a diamond for each one of them. Daddy, her and her little sister. I did
not know what to say.
Now, I feel that he is giving up on a great relationship. I ask for us
to go to therapy together and I am moving out. Do I just cut all ties
off until he knows what he wants.
"We got together right after his separation" - which is waaaaay
too soon for someone who is going through hell. I don't doubt your feelings
for him, or his for you. On one level, you have helped him through a difficult
But at a deeper level, your relationship must have been motivated - to
some extent - by the 'rebound' process; his (subconscious) need to priove
to himself that he can still make relationships. Your relationship is
forever tied up with his separation issues, and his inability to know
if it's real or rebound.
It's his own feelings he does not trust, and as you met so soon, he has
no 'baseline' to work with.
You are right to back off; he may need counselling, he may not - what
he really needs is time and space. You need to let him now that you are
there, and leave it to him.
You also, for your on sake, need to realise that he may never call, and
you need to consider how long you should wait.
You also need to consider his daughters, who should have been spared
all this. They - quite understandably - are desparate for daddy to settle
down with anew lady; both of you - unintentially - have made promises
(literally or symbolically) that have been broken. Be careful to be honest
with them; accept that they may hate you and blame you, however unfair
it feels. You can walk away from all this. They cannot.