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Angry at my best friend

Irene wrote:

I have a question concerning my "bestfriend". We've been best friends for about 15 years.

In the past three years life has brought stuff, I got married mainly.

About a year ago she started seeing this guy, he was controlling, jealous, he called her names, he's a big loser, no job lives out of his car.

I stayed by her side hearing every horror story about it. Then they broke up, howerver this guy is still in her life. He drives her everywhere, takes her for dinner, buys her gifts etc. She says he is smothering her yet she hangs out with him constanly.

The guy and I do not like each other so we don't hang out with her at the same time, yet she is always with him so I never get to see her.

This has been going on for at least 6 months. I am really getting fed up with it. I get so angry and I don't know what to do anymore. I need some advice.

Dear Irene

Angry at what? That she places time with him before time with you? That she seems unable to break away from him? With yourself because you cannot pursuade her to dump him properly? What?

Anger is rarely helpful (least of all to you), and can usually make things much worse ...

It's fairly clear that you hate him, and why. But this isn't about you. How does she feel about him? Does she have few other friends? Is she dependent on him, or he on her? Does he care about her? Is he still abusive?

Friendship cannot be conditional; if she's your friend, she needs your help, not your contempt and fury. She's entitled to choose her friends, whether you like them or not, just as you can choose not to be her firend, if her choices sicken you so much.

Talk to her; but don't give her your usual lecture about what a hick he is, listen to her, see if indeed she needs help - or if you need help with your jealousy issues.

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