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Rocky relationship but still want to marry

Maggie wrote:

My boyfriend and i have been togever almost three years on and off and I want to ask him to marry me! We have been engaged before but then we split up for about six months and got involved with other people although we were still sleeping together on and off.

We have been back together for the past five months and I really want us to get married but every time I put it into conversation he acts weired. One day he thinks its a great idea and the next he blanks me.

Over the last month we have both played with the idea of trying for a babe and he his more up for that than I am, he as even been thinking of names but I dont want to have a baby before I'im married. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I would do anything for him, so it is really important to me to show him and everyone in our lifes how much I love him by marrying him. So should I ask him to marry me instead of tip toeing round the subject in conversation?

I would really like to hear your view on this.

Dear Maggie

Neither marriage nor babies can fix a damaged relationship - that's down to you two.

You say you want to marry to show your love? How does that work, exactly?

I suspect the truth is that you believe (dunno why) that marrying him will prove his love. It won't. If you push him into marriage when he doesn't want to, the relationship will be cursed from that moment.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have no chance, or that you're doomed before you start. I am saying that your insecurity is showing, and neither babies, nor marriage will fix it.

Talk to him, yes. And soon. But not about marriage, about the future. Does he see one? How does he see it? Does he feel he may one day want to get married? Why will he discuss children, the biggest commitment in the world, when he won't discuss marriage?

But don't try to tie him down; hear what he is saying, and make your decisions based on that. But if he cannot commit now, it doesn't mean he never will - neither does it mean he will, even if things change as he wants them to.

Looks like a difficult, but necessary conversation. Good Luck.

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