How Can I Trust Him?

Kennedy wrote:

Hi I need some advise. My husband is a good man but for about the last 6 months things have not been right. We have been together for about 4 years & married for about 3 years.

We both come from previous marriages that were bad & our ex spouses cheated on both of us. We have 2 children each & all 4 live with us.

My problem is this ... He has been lying about talking to other women on the net. About 2 years ago we went through a bad period in our relationship & he looked to the net for comfort & support but he found more than that online. He was chatting with a woman a couple of towns away & they exchanged phone's & he was planning to meet her. I never thought he would do this but he did. I confronted him & he lied about everything said she was someone he was trying to recruit at work to be a manager needless to say I emailed her & said that I had deleted her phone# & I understood that she was trying to ge ta job with my husband & she never called back or emailed back.

My husband & I worked through this period & things seemed to be GREAT up until about 6-7 mnth ago. I found that he was talking online again to women last week & confronted him again. This time online he said I was Dead.

He explained to this woman that his wife had past away. about 8 years ago. He claims that he was talking about his ex wife cuz she is dead to him but I dont believe it. Again they exchanged phone numbers & I called her & left her a voice mail saying that I was not dead I was very much alive & she has not talked to him since.

He promised he would no longer use the computer so that I would not have to worry about this. Well I went online to delete the messages that were there & found more ... but they were only one sided ... they were the other persons side. & again it was another woman. He was not planning to meet her I dont think but when I confronted him about this just 3 days after he promised me he would not use the computer he did not deny it he just said he was text messaging her on his cell phone.

He sees nothing wrong with this...I am ready to leave but I dont want to hurt the kids all 4 of them have already been through hell & back & I am the only stability in their lives.

I want to trust my husband I want to stay ... I still love him ... I thought he was my soulmate ... but what kind of soulmate would put me through this much pain. Please help me understand why he would be doing this.

Dear Kennedy

The answer is terrifying obvious. There is a deep, deep problem with your marriage. I don't know what it is, because you are examining the minute details of your husband's behaviour, rather than address the big issues of your relationship.

I am not saying he's right to behave as he is; he is not. But you have to recognise that for him to behave this way, there is something badly wrong. You have chosen to try (in vain) to convince yourself the problem is about these silly games; this doesn't help, and actually may be making it hard for your husband to discuss the real issues.

If you really want the marriage to succeed (I believe you when you say you do), and if he really wants the marriage to succeed (I suspect he does, too), then I strongly recommend you both seek counselling.

Him, because there is something lacking for him to be looking around.

You, because you are trying to deny what you know is the real issue.

Both of you - because you are not talking to each other.