Prince Not So Charming
I write to you because I am out of ideas and I really dont like
to ask friends and parents for advice on this topic they usually
know only one side of the story and are biased.
So we have been together with my husband for more than 4 years, married
for one. We met in St. Louis, then I moved to KC, then he was moved from
work 3 times Spain, Luxembourg, and Switzerland. We have spent
a lot of time separated and we never lived together really. I have finally
moved with him in Switzerland after the wedding. Its been almost
a year. We are learning French, I have found a good job, and we are planning
on buying a house. All in all a pretty happy picture on the surface.
But inside my heart things are not going that well. I am very confused
to a level where I dont know what to do. He is handsome, smart,
well mannered, but
but sometimes rude and or controlling of other
people or me. When we met first he told me he loves my kind soul and that
it makes him happy to be with me but with time I cannot find strength
to be kind when he is not at all. He likes to aggressively bargain for
everything when shopping and is sometimes rude to service people (makes
me almost ashamed to be with him in these kinds of situations).
He also holds me responsible for all the household duties and expresses
a clear dissatisfaction when things are not done on time (or on his time).
He would not do anything in the house if not explicitly asked for. He
finds that there are many things I dont do right, and maybe it is
true but I cannot be constantly hearing about them I am starting
to ignore him.
And then there is his love for me. It gets very confusing sometimes.
He says he loves me the way I am but since the wedding he had yelled
at me for not doing exercises regularly, for not shaving my legs too often,
for not having my eye brows shaped the way he likes, for not cutting my
hair the way he likes, for having cellulite and not doing anything to
get rid of it ... We have tried to talk about that. I have told him he
is rude when he talks about those things and I dont like that. What
he wants from me and what I want from him
the only thing he would
say he wants me to change is to be more kind to him.
How? I think love and kindness grow stronger when returned with the
same, not when returned with growling, criticism or the likes. And not
that he is always like that
just when he is it breaks my heart.
And what do I want the usual a loving man ready to caress
me with words not just hands, partner not a commander.
Ive been trying to be logical about us we are maybe not
the most compatible people but surely with love we should be able to solve
those problems. And then again, is there enough love in the world to make
him a kinder person? What can I do?
It seems that niether of you married the person you thought you did!
He's a plain old fashioned unreconstructed man who believes he owns his
wife, and has nothing but contempt for people he considers beneath him.
Not a rare animal, by any means.
You are clearly a little on the romantic side; you married your dream
hunk before reading the small print on the box, and you are still hoping
that your dream will come true.
He is what he is; if you'd had your eyes open before marriage, there
may have been room for a little compromise, but not a lot. Now, he's the
man you married.
I've seen women 'mould' a man into what they see as 'ideal'; I've even
seen it last a few years. And I've seen women control a man. But I've
never seen a happy marriage come out of either approach. The trick is
to find the right man in the first place, and that means having your eyes
wide open before the vows.
You are perfectly entitled to insist he treats you with respect; you
may even get him to treat others with a little respect. But he is not
the man you allowed yourself to see, and you need to either accept that,
or consider more radical action.
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